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Happy Days Are Here Again

Music Room. Mr. Schue places a battered top hat on the piano and announces that, as Artie and Brittany have withdrawn themselves from the race, it's time to take it to a vote. MONTAGE! Finn votes for "Sam/Quinn"; Mercedes votes for "Mercedes & Satan"; Gaylord votes for "Tina," but he puts her name in a big heart, and awwwwwwwwwww; Quinn votes for "Sam & Quinn"; Kurt votes for "Kurt Elizabeth Hummel"; and Brittany votes for "ME!" Her ME!, not me ME!, which would have been weird. And when it's all over -- and because everybody except Rachel and Finn voted for themselves -- the BreadstiX gift certificate goes to... Sam and Quinn! Santana bursts into tears over her loss, Quinn warns Sam sotto voce that "this is not a date," and Rachel and Finn congratulate each other on the success of their masterful plan for Sam's triumphant introduction to New Directions until she happens to glance over her shoulder to find Kurt feeling especially sorry for himself. Well, actually, he looks like he's dripping with disdain for the no-class miscreants he must suffer every single day of his godforsaken life, but Rachel knows he's actually feeling especially sorry for himself, because Rachel is magic.

And the next thing we know, she's chasing Kurt down the hall, nattering, "I had something I wanted to talk to you about." "Please not another pregnancy," Kurt sighs as he swings open his locker to reach for a can of hairspray. Undaunted, Rachel continues, "I think that you and I are a little bit more similar than you think." Pause. Kurt: "That's a terrible thing to say. [Pfffffffffffffffff!]" That last bit would indicate Chris Colfer contemptuously spraying his hair with an exquisite sense of comic timing. In any event, Rachel blows past his attitude to call him out on his loneliness, and she gives him a little pep talk regarding same before asking if he'd like to perform a duet with her. "But the duet competition is over," he wearily reminds her. "I know," she shrugs, "but I just thought this one could be for me and you." Kurt takes a moment, but smiles gratefully at her just as the final bell rings.

BreadstiX. And because I am fully aware of the heartbreaking image that ends this scene, I'll be skimming through Quinn and Sam's first non-date date for the relevant bits: Lady Lips transferred from an all-boys boarding school, which is why he's been so lame all evening with the Matthew McConaughey impressions and the unfunny jokes and the Na'vi, but he wins Quinn over with his earnest charm and his sincere admiration for her ability to overcome last year's unpleasantness with that out-of-wedlock infant and such. Oh, and he puts lemon juice in his hair. Got all that? Good, because the closing vamp just kicked in on the soundtrack, and I'm already getting a little verklempt. Quinn slips the gift certificate into her purse, because "a gentleman always pays on the first date," and as the vamp continues, the camera slides to the next booth, where it finds Brittany, alone, nudging a meatball across her plate with her nose, and I... I just... I think I have something in my eye. Fuck you, Artie.

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