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Happy Days Are Here Again

He'd been talking to Carole, you see, and he now knows Finn's side of last season's story that I -- forgive me -- have pretty much completely forgotten about by this point, and Burt counsels his son to cool it with the new kid, for Kurt's own sake, if for nothing else. Of course, Kurt explodes at the very suggestion he back down, and he starts ranting about how he wants to roam McKinley's halls holding hands with the paramour of his choice if he so pleases, and how he wants to slow-dance at his prom with same if that would suit his fancy, and this is where I completely shut down and stop listening to him, because he's now beating me over the head with the same sort of bullshit angst-ridden teenaged high-school romance crap I totally don't care about when it comes from any of these kids, gay or straight. Shut up, Kurt. And listen to your father, because he's quite wisely advising you to pick your battles carefully, and high school so isn't worth the effort. Then again, my shadow hasn't darkened a high school's doors in nearly 25 years, so what the hell do I know, right? In any event, Burt basically tells Kurt to suck it up and wait for better times, and Kurt ends the scene by resting his weary head against his even wearier father's shoulder.

Smash cut to the music room, where Mercedes and Santana tear into their entry for this week's competition: An absolutely scorching rendition of "River Deep -- Mountain High," which was of course originally performed by Miss Tina Turner, though several people in this show's audience seem to have missed that memo and have repeatedly attributed it to some hideous Canadian troll-woman who shall remain nameless. Needless to say, both Mercedes and Santana lack the commanding sense of tortured emotional upheaval and maturity Miss Tina brought to the proceedings nearly 45 years ago, but they still frigging kill it, despite a depressing lack of fringe, maracas, and four-inch-high fuck-me heels. They finish to the wild and wildly justified approbation of their peers, though it's notable that Rachel and Finn now have no idea how their masterful plan for Sam's triumphant introduction to New Directions is going to succeed. We'll worry about that later, though, because it's time for a commercial.

And when we return, Lady Lips is once again naked, because he's just about to step into a hot, steamy shower in the boys' locker room. Barely has he stuck that asinine coif of his under the spray, however, when Kurt pops up -- looking like Peter Pan's gayer younger brother with that hat of his, by the way -- to release Sam from his duet-related obligations. It's obvious to the audience, of course, that Kurt's smartly decided to follow his father's excellent advice, but Wet Sam thinks he's offended Kurt in some way. "It's not you, it's me," Kurt assures him. "You've been honorable, actually, and I wish you the best," he adds before getting all self-serving with, "but I've realized I have to sing with someone that matches my passion and talent level." "Who's that?" Sam gamely asks. Kurt deflects the answer by pointedly glancing at Sam's toiletries and smirking, "You know, they make special shampoo for color-treated hair." Kurt immediately spins on his expensive heel and bounces on out of there, with Sam calling after him, "I don't dye my hair!" "Uh-huh!" Kurt sings, never once looking back.

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