Bachelor Pad

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Also, they manage to make this show's version of Spin the Bottle EVEN STUPIDER than the seventh-grade party-in-the-basement version, because only the guys get to play. Before you start making your completely appropriate no-homo jokes and crushing beer cans on your heads and punching nerds in the nards, each guy gets a turn and gets to choose one lady to molest. And by molest I mean kiss, pass oral herpes to, and then keep on the show to cuddle. Whoever doesn't get herpes, gets sent to a detox center in the waiting limos. In this paradigm, that is considered losing. The girls all shake their heads in disbelief about how incredibly fucking stupid this game is, because ALL THE GUYS HAVE GIRLFRIENDS, or at least dirty, dirty friends with dirty, dirty benefits. This does not bother the producers. They force Kiptyn to walk up and down the line of girls and pretend he might not pick Disney Princess Tenley because Nikki once stupidly did him a favor. He hooked up with Tenley on national television last week and his grandma is watching, so he can't totally slut out and pick someone else. So, he picks Tenley. Whoa, pass the Pepto, I can't stomach the drama! The bottle is spun and it lands on Kovacs who has been dating a girl (Elizabeth) for six months. Yet he, too, must pretend for the cameras that he is struggling with his decision. Even though just last week he was comforting Elizabeth about her square tits and ALMOST said those magic three little words. He chooses Elizabeth. Just fucking kill me. Wild Card Peculiar Jesse B. is up next. He paces around the line up trying to decide who to pick. His trouble? Peyton totally blue-balled him in the fantasy suite last episode. Will he choose her? Yes, he will. Finally, Dave, who has been hooking up with Natalie, picks Natalie. So apparently the show IS about, matchmaking. Sorry Nikki, Gwen and Ashley, you will now be punished for failing to find love or, at least, copacetic genitalia, inside the four walls of the Bachelor Pad. Off to Thunderdome with you! No love, no money, just a long ride in the Loser's Limo. The girls all tear up because they are LOSERS and now it is quantitatively and qualitatively proven. Math, bitches.

Harrison announces that from now on the contestants are competing as couples. They are mated for life. It's like the Newlywed Game, except that everyone here lives a life of fornication and sin and is definitely NOT married. The teams start trying to strategize, but that's hard, so they just make out. Kovacs and Elizabeth are confident because, having dated for a whopping six months, they know EVERYTHING about each other. Except for the small problem that Elizabeth was apparently pithed at some point and has no short-term or long-term memory. She can't remember where Kovacs went to college, what his brother's name is, or whether they've met before. The only people not making out are, of course, Peculiar Jesse and All-American Peyton, who is Not Amused with anything Peculiar Jesse has to offer, which includes the ability to remove in-grown hairs with a screw. That's probably in the Boy Scout Manual, right?

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Bachelor Pad




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