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I Will Be Your Preacher, Teacher

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I Will Be Your Preacher, Teacher

Inside the firehouse, Elka introduces Captain Catholicism to Sean and Jason, Sean guessing that he has come to Boston make sure "your little girl is all right?" Ew, Sean. I'm sorry, did you just say "little girl"? No, seriously, I'm asking. Seeing as this entire conversation is practically inaudible, drowned out as it is by the loud oinking of entitled chauvinist piggishness. Looks like someone else needs to be fitted for The Sweater Vest of the Patriarchy right away. Captain Catholicism launches into a frightfully disjointed speech about a conversation he had with Elka's "coach," in which he worried that people were going to "change her mind about things." Said "coach" replied, it seems, "I had your daughter in my office for two hours one day trying to change her mind. She didn't change mine, but I didn't change hers." What? Coach? Is she taking religious instruction from an early-'90s Craig T. Nelson? Change her mind? What's going on? I honestly have no idea.

Clear enough that Captain Catholicism isn't the Captain of "The Good Ship Coherent Discourse," Sean sets about steering the conversation into less muddied waters by asking, "What do you think about Walter?" Captain Catholicism confirms, "Oh, you mean 'UK Walter?'" Oh, man. Kick-ass, MBTV-worthy nickname right there. And way to inadvertently up his band's cool Euro cachet, Grandpa, like how cool bands used to throw "UK" into an album title to make themselves look both hip and continental at the same time like "UK Squeeze" or "The Charlatans UK." Suddenly, I think Walter's band kicks ass. Captain Catholicism tells Sean that he's never met Walter, but he's heard Elka on the phone calls "which I pay for." Okay, Captain, we get it. Elka voice-overs, "My dad just thinks that Walter is this guy that I met in Europe. I don't think he really knew just how serious the relationship is." He and Sean share another chuckle about the simple helplessness of ladies. Jesus. Oh, sorry. Over in Elka's room, Captain Catholicism notes the mess, which Elka blames on Montana, and he then notes the from-the-heart keepsake of the poster of Walter's band hanging over Elka's bed. "Is that Walter in the middle?" he asks, and we cut to a scary minor chord and a close up shot on the black-and-white poster of a Michael-Hutchence's-pissed-off-older-brother staring back at Captain Catholicism and fairly speaking the words, "The things I would do to your daughter if I didn't exist in two dimensions and sixteen shades of gray." Captain Catholicism stares back in great concern, nervously patting the front pocket of his Sensible Black Slacks to feel the "Do Not Duplicate" warning etched across the key to Elka's chastity belt, tucked firmly away in Daddy's pocket, where no others can find it.

The Hip Squiggly Font of Character Introduction helpfully points out "Doug," Kameelah's maybe-boyfriend. The two maybe-lovebirds are leaving the firehouse for Framingham Mall, and...oh, fun, a mall. You know where I also see the mall sometimes? Yes, that's right, in my own mundane everyday existence. So nice work, B-M, trying to spice up this torpid season in any way you possibly can, but anyone who has ever been shopping before knows that you can pile on all the quick-cut driving shots and raucous booming bass beat of the soundtrack you want, but once you're inside the mall it's housewares, electronics, and Gary Larson page-a-day flip calendars inside the Molly's Hallmark for as far as the eye can see. Hey, Kameelah? Hook up with a housemate or get tossed off the show, because a half-hour of comparison chopping for the latest advent in "Chia" technology ain't getting you an engraved invite to the reunion special. I'm just sayin'.

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