Chains of Love

Episode Report Card
admin: B+ | Grade It Now!
Moron than off

Locksmith. Everyone has changed now. Jenny, looking like she’s been doing heroin for three days straight. She says that she really likes this person, but he didn’t participate, and it’s Chris. Chris looks a bit stunned, but he’s probably just realized he can make it home for Law & Order so, you know, that’s cool. Jenny unchains him and then gives him eight hundred dollars. She says, “I hope this helps with your unemployment.” Oh diz-zamn! Thass cold, sister. The Locksmith leads the skinny white boy away. Adam tells us that he thought Kristian would have been next. Kristian grunts to us that Chris didn’t stand up for himself.

Jenny tells us that Chris didn’t really want to say anything or tell a romantic story, and on the short bus we see Chris, but instead of talking, he’s just sitting there. Jenny keeps babbling about how Chris didn’t really even want to dance, and the Locksmith does a take to us, and Jenny says Chris didn’t even do anything to deserve the money, and back to Chris, who just stares with his arms folded, and that’s it. Man, it’s pretty funny that Chris chose to say nothing. But then again, maybe he talked and the producers simply chose to make it look like he said nothing. You never know with the crafty team behind such hits as Blind Date and…uh…yeah.

Bedroom. Night. Fast-motion infrared cam. Nothing happens. Adam twitches, and Jenny cuddles with Kristian.

Morning. Balcony. Adam tells us that his original plan was to be romantic, but he didn’t count on Kristian “flipping it over,” and maybe Kristian isn’t as dumb as he seems. Yeah, I seriously doubt that, Adam. I think Kristian has levels of dumbness no one will ever see. Kristian then tells us that he thinks he’s beating Adam at his own game, but then tells us that he honestly thinks nice guys finish last. It’s just the cold, dead eyes. Fucking hypnotize the girls with those beady things.

The kids eat breakfast, and MM comes in and improvs, “That looks good.” No one responds. She tells them about the dates and how the non-participating person will be “like a third wheel,” which is obviously a butchering of the real phrase “fifth wheel” -- not that MM knows that, or even how many wheels a car has in the first place. Everyone laughs because MM is such a dim bulb.

Short bus. Riding. Jenny voice-overs that she and Adam have a neat bond and they have a lot in common and she likes him a lot. The way she talks she sounds like she’s describing Providence. “Yeah, I mean, whatever, it’s an okay show.” Poor Adam. Adam says that his view on romance is just to “smile at her” and “oh man, just be there for her.” We see the two talking, now at a botanical garden. Kristian trials along. Adam’s date is a “Garden Stroll” and a “Gazebo Picnic.” Lord, that just sounds like the most boring shit to me. Sorry, but -- man. They walk. Walk. Walk. The Music Of Extreme Boredom For Absolutely Everyone Involved In Either Making Or Watching This Show plays as they sit and Adam blahs about the first time he saw Jenny and how she’s smart and funny, and then he tells us that he thinks he went beyond friendship with her. We get a shot of Kristian taking off his shirt and then telling us that Adam wants a relationship and he doesn’t think it’s going to work out for the boy. Kristian is so condescending for someone who probably can’t even spell the word. They go over to a gazebo and they eat, and Jenny tells us how perfect it was, and she says it was one of the most romantic dates ever. Adam then tells Jenny that he came to meet a lovely young lady, and she is, and if it goes somewhere, great, and they’re friends and that’s the obvious basis for anything, and Jenny just stares at him, and he says that they make each other laugh, and then he just keeps talking and he should really fucking shut up but he says, “You’re the type of girl I could definitely see myself settling down with,” and Jenny visibly cringes as he goes on, “I don’t want any money,” and then we see Kristian laughing. Kristian tells us that Adam is weird; Kristian says that, unlike Adam, he wants to “see the money.” House. House shot. Nice house. We get it. Commercials.

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Chains of Love




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