Chains of Love
Jenny

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Moron than off

The kids sit down in front of TVs, and MM slut-overs that they had the boys all show up and fill out paperwork at the offices and planted Jenny’s “attractive” friend Helen to meet the boys. She’s now going to give part of her first impressions. Everyone smiles or cringes. Helen reads her lines stiffly as she talks about Slim, saying that he’s sweet and is the quiet one of the bunch, but he’s too cheesy and too concerned with his looks. Ya think? Everyone laughs. Kristian, she says, is cute and funny, but “[she’s] not sure if [she] was laughing with him or at him.” Diss. She also says he’s stupid and would say anything to get in a woman’s pants. Helen thinks Chris is mean and never faithful; he’s been with four women at one time. How does Helen know all this? Then again, Chris seems like the kind of person who would announce that he’s been in a fivesome to pretty much the whole world. Helen says that Adam is the perfect guy for Jenny, but was really rude to her on the phone. She says he’s a jerk. Helen will be back later to say more. Jenny says over and over how “cute” Helen is and then tells us that Adam was upset that he was called a jerk. In a very cut-up sound bite, Jenny tells us that the last person she wants to be chained next to is a jerk. Well, shut up, because the last thing I want to be doing right now is watching this show, and I’m not complaining. Oh, yeah, I actually am. Ooh, commercials. Good touch, UPN. Adds a lot to the show, I think.

Oh, Star Trek Voyager is ending. How sad. (Psst -- what’s Star Trek Voyager?)

Jenny tells us that Kristian has “a cute little face.” She says that Adam is sweet and is the most mature one in the bunch. So that means he won’t get picked, basically. She says that Chris has been wild in his past, and that’s all she says. Slim “means well.” Yikes. Jenny has razor-like powers of deduction, doesn’t she.

We again see Helen talking to the kids on TV, and then Jenny busts in that Helen got a “first impression” of the guys, but Jenny will get to know them a lot better. How much you want to bet that, in the past, Jenny has made out with at least one of Helen’s boyfriends without her knowing it? A dollar? You’re on.

So the kids eat, and Kristian makes the awesome joke of asking Slim if he’s ever been called Slim Shady. Man, that’s some wit. Emma Thompson’s got nothing on this dude. Slim then goes on, saying that he used to be fat. Jenny yells, “Oh, you’re one of those.” Man, that’s cold. But, yeah, he is one of those. What’s more than compensating? Oh yeah, "overcompensating." That’s right. Jenny then asks Slim if he’s ever dated “fat girls.” Slim lies, saying yes, that he treats everyone the same. He wins the Esme Award from the Plus Sized Modelling Community by saying, “I’ve met a lot of big girls who are just the sweetest people.” Goddamn, this show. And then Jenny, with a straight face, busts in all serious like she’s Oprah instructing us all to remember our spirits, “because they’re just normal people!” Man alive. Adam just eats his food, wisely shutting his mouth. Kristian then asks Slim what is sweet about fat people, and is it their personalities? And then Slim calls Kristian a “gerbil.” I’m on overload right now, everyone. There is just too much to be mad about and make fun of going on right now that I’m just going to have to move on. Kristian then tells us that when he first met Slim, there was “tension.” Oh, seriously, stop feeding me jokes, guys. Slim tells Kristian that it’s lucky they’re not near each other and, when Kristian asks what would happen, Slim says, “I might have to kiss you, pretty boy.” Slim tells us that Kristian was starting to irritate him, and then for some reason says that if Kristian can’t stand the heat he should blah blah blah incorrectly-used-sayings-cakes. Kristian then croaks to Slim, “I want to rip your voice-box out, man.” Slim tells him not to get defensive. Jenny tells everyone to chill. Adam just laughs. My cat claws her way through my new couch and curls up in the dark center where sound can’t reach her. Chris stares. He looks like a cartoon of himself. He then tells us that he’s just sitting back and letting the boys bury themselves because he doesn’t think Jenny is looking for that. Yeah, keep dreaming, Danny B. Jenny then tells us that she doesn’t know how to react when boys try to act “macho” and “superior.” I don’t know how to react when girls on TV act “air-headed.”

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Chains of Love

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