Chains of Love

Episode Report Card
admin: B+ | Grade It Now!
Moron than off

Short bus. Everyone rides somewhere. Ooh, they stop at my favorite coffee joint, which doesn’t deserve a free plug today because they fucked up my latte this morning. Staring. Staring. People stare. They keep showing a shot of a dog staring into the camera. First rule of comedy: constantly cut to a funny dog staring into the camera. Man, that’s some good TV right there. Everyone drinks coffee, and Jenny gives the boys paper and tells them to write a paragraph on their first impressions of her, and then their first impressions of one of the other boys.

Kristian tells us his first impression of Jenny was, “Whoa, she’s really hot.” A wordsmith on this show, as usual. Chris, not sounding convinced, says that Jenny is a “pretty girl.” See, already cushioning the blow for when he gets booted. Adam says that Jenny was exactly what he was hoping for, and Slim says that Jenny has a nice smile. Kristian then groans that Slim is “a freak of nature,” staring over his clipboard at Slim with something other than disdain in his eye. Dog again. Ha. Heh. Hee. I hate that dog.

Short bus. Kristian tells Slim that he comes across as a macho dude and asks if he has “anything to back it up.” Slim, still the scared fat kid under the layer of tattoos, earrings, and hair gel, says that he doesn’t like to fight. Jenny asks him, and Kristian says that he doesn’t mind throwing down. Slim then asks all sad, “What does that have to do with anything,” and Adam pats him on the shoulder. Adam then tells us that it’s interesting to watch “those guys butt horns.” Is “butt horns” correct? Never mind. Even if Adam is a moron, he looks like a fucking tenured Oxford professor next to these nitwits.

House. The kids get drinks in the kitchen and then Jenny, trying to start shit, tells the boys to arm wrestle. Only Kristian and Slim do it. Kristian wins really quickly with his left arm. Slim stares, the fat kid inside starting to cry. He asks to use their other hands while Jenny jumps up and down with glee. I don’t see Chris. Adam just laughs. Kristian goes insane, pumping his arms and yelling, “Feel the power!” Oh, there’s Chris. Hiding. I don’t blame him. Both Slim and Kristian wear gold chains. Man, I used to wear those, but then I turned thirteen. I’m not kidding. Kristian continues flexing and Slim says, “C’mon Sid Vicious,” which is just about the most retarded reference he could have made, but hey, he’s Slim. Give him a break. The boys do tequila shots, Slim doing two, and Jenny yells, “Oh this is too much!” and Chris tells us that he was just waiting for Slim’s switch to flip and for him to go nuts. Kristian totally cheats by using his whole body, but Slim wins easily. Unable to go out a loser, Kristian -- and here it gets so stupid it just has to be fake -- suggests they grab hands and play “Mercy.” They do, pushing each other. Kristian backs Slim up to the oven and he’s forced to say “mercy.” Slim then whines to us, saying that he shouldn’t have had to say “mercy,” that he said “ow.” He goes on that if you get a rush out of someone else being in pain, then you are not right in the head. Kristian takes a drink and stares at nothing with his cold black eyes and yeah, I don’t think he is right in the head. But at least he’s entertaining me. At least I haven’t stabbed myself in the eye with my cordless phone yet. That’s something.

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Chains of Love




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