Up next is Nakia on Team Cee Lo. He has his hair slicked back and barrels on stage with dancers whirling great balls of fire. There is no risk of them competing with Nakia for attention, because that guy owns the stage. The second he opens his mouth Cee Lo is dancing in his seat. The crowd is going wild as Nakia sings "Your Sex is on Fire" by Kings of Leon, and they don't stop when the song is over. He was amazing and Carson has no choice but to try and talk over the roar of the crowd. The judges are all completely wowed. Blake's sex is on fire and it's after 10 p.m. and there is nothing that the FCC can do about it. Other thing said about his performance: "Sex on fire takes Nakia out of his comfort zone." It's better when it is out of context.
Gentle giant Jeff Jenkins is singing "Jesus Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood and even thought it is a girl song, he does it well and the coaches all look touched. Jeff dedicated the song to his mother and Carson assures him that his mother loved that performance. She has a direct line into the social media room from heaven. Christina asks what the story is with the song and Jeff explains that he and his dead mother both loved it and it helped him through those dark times after his mother, nay, his best friend, passed. How can you not vote for an overgrown kid with a dead mom, a mop top, and a doofy grin? Do your duty, America, and vote for this loveable schlub. Also, they are casting season two, right now! Go go go! Then they have an ad for a Kia and I think they are talking about Nakia. That's how insidious this show is!
Adam Levine claims that his team members are really his friends and he swears he is not going to lose touch with them. They made friendship bracelets, they wrote in each others' yearbooks, and they pinky swore. They are his friends. The undercurrent here is that they are his only friends. So he mentors them. Around a pool which maybe we are supposed to think is in his backyard? The team is almost silent and Adam keeps his sunglasses on the whole time, which gives the whole mentoring session a "Don't talk kids, I'm hungover" vibe.
Then it's back to the arena and three-time Grammy winner (FACT CHECK, PLEASE) Adam Levine walks on stage in a James Dean wannabe outfit and torments a Beatles' song. Specifically "A Little Help From My Friends" complete with gospel choir and anthemic choruses. Although, realistically it was just Adam Levine, Javier Colon, and the gospel choir because they were the only people given any camera time. Even with all those deficits, Adam's team does a far superior job to Cee Lo's. Most likely because Tori and Taylor Thompson are not on this team, which is a huge advantage. However, Adam does a lot of knee bobbing dance moves and gut busting yet brief solos which makes me wish I was watching the salute to Flag Day again.
Next up is Curtis Grimes trying to distance himself from his dismal and off-putting performance during "Everyday People" with a dismal and off-putting and incredibly repetitive performance of Robert Palmer's "Addicted to Love." I mean, it's been awhile since I heard the song (for good reason) but there are other words to the song, right? It's not just "addicted to love" over and over again right? (NB: Don't tell me.) Adam congratulates him on his ability to wear a cowboy hat and his deep and manly voice and his ability to sing a country version of the Robert Palmer song. Blake congratulates his ability to throw his guitar down like he just don't care. Christina is all focused on the girls Curtis has been kissing and that Nakia sang "Sex on Fire" and then the sound drops out and it is hard to tell whether the show is on seven-second delay and someone said something naughty or if my satellite connection went temporarily berzerk. But Carson does say Christina is all worked up tonight, so who the hell knows what just happened. I mean, they didn't bleep out the line "head while I'm driving" from the Kings of Leon song, so who knows what those two were saying. Carson looks very, very disappointed in both of them and kind of looks like he wants to go home. Also, Curtis was terrible. Did I mention that part?
Finally we have Javier Colon. While he is the favored performer, he chooses to sing that Sarah Mclachlan song that they play over the ASPCA commercials accompanied by pictures of injured kittens, which has got to hurt his chances, right? Hahahaha, no. He sings beautifully, his white, white teeth match his white, white jacket, and he accompanies himself on the piano. He is singing about kittens with owies being in the arms of angels. He is unstoppable. When he finishes, the crowd goes fuckin' nuts. Like, Carson can't control them at all. Blake Shelton throws down his mic, throws up his arms, and is done. DONE! He can't compete with that. Christina moans about the one that got away. She knows he has this competition in the bag. Game over man, game over.
Before we go, we will finally, finally, finally find out which two members of Team Blake are moving on in the competition. We get a quick recap of Jarod's headband, Dia's memorable Kanye cover, poor little Xenia's painful performance, and that other guy in the cowboy hat. Carson drags out the reveal of who America saved for a long time, but not as long as with Team Christina because he is tired and over it. So who did America choose? DIA. You know, out of all the competitors on the show, she is the only one you would really want to hang out with. She just seems chill and interesting and probably bakes stuff and ironically crafts.
Blake hems and haws and ponders as he tries to make a decision and hems and haws some more and then starts talking about affecting change and he decides that he can't affect change with Jarod and Patrick (cowboy hat) and chooses Xenia. Wait, what? Xenia? Everyone is stunned. Even Carson can't help but gape and head scratch. The only person who gets it is Xenia's little sister who is BAWLING while her parents stand there stunned because they were probably pretty confident that they could get back to their real lives already. Xenia and Dia hug each other hard, but not nearly as hard as Blake hugs Jarod, because oh the guilt. How is Jarod Blake going to feed his babies now? Carson finally shuts his mouth long enough to gasp to Blake, "What? Why?" Blake mumbles something about how Dia and Xenia have a symbiotic relationship and Dia will succeed only with Xenia by her side. The girls stand mutely nodding and looking quite pleased with themselves. And, that is our show. Is Blake just fucking with us?