Season 5 Finale

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Lesson Fifteen: Shed Your Personality Like So Many Unwanted Pounds

Team Lee, cars out on the ice. Jamie Pressley looks amazing, and points out that she can't see shit from the rink, so how's she supposed to take the bids? Lenny gives her some nonsense directions about "go here, then there, then over there" and she's like, "What are you talking about?" And he gives her the usual sullen look like it's her fault he doesn't know what he's talking about and couldn't express himself if he did, and finally she just takes off, calling over her shoulder: "Your shit is not together, little apprentice boy." Which is...she has given these jokers enough chances, frankly. I'm so down with Jamie Pressley it's not funny. But my favorite, favorite thing is the next thing, which is that they lock eyes and go "Ah ha hah" at each other in this incredibly hateful, juvenile, pissed-off way that is transcendent. Just incandescent. That made this shirt worth it. "Neener neener, motherfucker." So Jamie somehow gets out to Lee on the ice, and she takes the mic, and starts the bidding. And somehow, she and Lee work out a pretty smooth routine where she's doing the auction out on the ice while Lee works the crowd up close, and it's nice to see them figure that out so quickly. We don't see more than the first few bids, because we're not supposed to know how incredibly bloodbathy this actually was, so we can't know how low Lee's returns were on like, every front. But I don't mind telling you that from what I've heard, Lee is a drop in the bucket of Sean on every quantifiable level, from the auction to the event to the internet votes. Which is too bad, but his own fault and not his team's, so I'm cool with that. In the stands, Lys laughs and loves it all, and there's a really cool part where she interviews that she "wanted a moment" where she could "see Lee shine," and she finally got to see that. I went, "Awwww," I don't mind telling you. It's neat. Lee walks Trump out and tells us that he honestly feels "on top of the world."

Trump choppers at the Taj Mahal, where Sean's hair has been tamed. He calls ahead to tell Sean that "Lee's hockey game was pretty good" and that he hopes to see "good things" out of Sean. We get a heapin' helpin' of SLS placement, and Tarek introduces the execs at the pre-party, and they talk about some crap. Whatever, it's their party. It's not like I'm dying for the Barenaked Concert to commence. Some Barenaked Ladies talk about how Trump is going to be sitting in the VIP section, and everybody goes shit wild about that, because what's more exciting than sitting in the same room as Donald Trump? Pontiac cutie, not snowed by George, goes all Rain Man about how there are no Pontiac signs at all, and gets very suspenseful on Andrea's ass about it. The Barenaked people are admittedly very cute doing the charity auction. I'm glad they are not singing, because I think that I like them very much. The auction goes swimmingly and Pontiac cutie is very happy about that. We get a faceload of Seanthusiasm about how great the auction went, and then there's a funny thing about how Pontiac cutie is clearly on stage, in the car with Trump, while simultaneously out in the audience watching. Trump gets out of the car and speechifies in the very bright lights, and it's as embarrassing as usual, because he is a man with very little to say. George, the WWF hottie, and the pretty SLS lady sit out in the audience with the magically multiple Pontiac guy. Then Sean screams something so high I don't know what he said, and the Barenaked Ladies sings their one song they ever wrote. Trump gives George the eyebrows about how "I thought there would be Barenaked Ladies!" Beat. "Like, I really did!" George just smiles, all, "If you have to explain the joke, the joke is not a joke." But also and always and finally: that thing really is all that there is to Donald Trump -- more propaganda about how he's so totally horny and bumbling, when the fact is that if it were true, he'd be able to shut up about it. It factors into the overall propaganda telling us how he's so greedy and cutthroat and ruthless but also super sweet and a great dad and a canny business mind, but it's really all the same thing: his vague idea about what he's supposed to be. This is why there's such a thing as Viagra. Sad, scary.

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