Season 5 Finale

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Lesson Fifteen: Shed Your Personality Like So Many Unwanted Pounds

Lee thanks his motley team because they pushed "to the max," but more importantly, "passionately feel" that Lee should be "the next Apprentice." Once and for all, that is a less than worthless thing, because nobody feels "passionate" about anything having to do with this show, and even if that were possible, it's still an idiotic reason to choose anybody for your team, and to display pride about it after the fact compounds the idiocy to a really harsh degree. Lee chills in a car going home listening to some crap on the radio. Oh, it's the Barenaked Ladies. You'll be excited to know that they've slowed it down and mellowed it out, so if they were just too hardcore for you before, you might wanna give them another shot. Sean interviews that he's proud of everyone on his outstanding team, and that he's quite "pleased" that he "surrounded [him]self with the best people." Which: me too, with one slight caveat, which is: What did Tammy do? Really? Maybe she did things we didn't see. And I'll admit it right now, Sean's hair does look pretty good. You still got the face under it though. Sean also chills out in the car, tapping his fingers and looking smart. Tammy tosses her hair some more when they bring up the romance again. This is how that's going to go: "You never can tell what'll happen." I bet you ten dollars.

Weekly Wisdom: "Taking Credit." Don't get Trump wrong, modesty is a good thing, but in business it's important to take credit for your successes before someone else does. He does it all the time, so don't be afraid to blow your own horn. If Trump actually could blow his own "horn," he would not be so rich. Because he would not leave the house, but also because that's like all he wants in the world, and once you get your one true wish, you stop striving.

We rush through the whole self-aggrandizing "here's why I'm better" series of monologues back at Trump Tower, because we've got to make enough time for the ten minutes of footage of fucking nothing at the end of the episode, but in brief: Sean is "adaptable," "experienced," and not a "kid from university" like Lee. Lee is not intimidated, sees no value in such paltry things as "experience," and thinks a "younger perspective" is what Trump wants because it's how you "change" and "grow." Two things Trump stopped doing in 1968. He even goes to the pathetic debate club dictionary definition place about how "apprentice" means...somebody who doesn't know anything about anything, and acts like a nimrod all the time, basically. That'll fox 'em. Sean screams, predictably, about how Trump "appreciates passion," because he's gotta believe that, because he gives himself the pass for all of his sickening behavior by labeling it "passion" when in fact it's self-dramatizing bullshit and a serious lack of control of his own behavior or boundaries. Which means for me personally that Taylor Hicks will win twice this season, and I'm moving far far away from this country and all television, because this is not the world I signed on for. "I'll attack him or screw him twice over!" Sean screams about Lee. Lee points out that "at 33," he'll be "so far beyond Sean," and that they're technically "at the same place now." SNAP. I am rooting for Lee for REAL now. That's the best thing anybody's ever said in this segment.

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