Season 5 Finale

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Lesson Fifteen: Shed Your Personality Like So Many Unwanted Pounds

Boardroom! Everybody's wearing black suits! I have waited my life for this moment. Daddy would never let me buy a black suit because he said I don't go to funerals and I would never find work as an embalmer because I am squeamish, and thus should not be wearing black suits. Fashion! Has! Changed! Sean explains to Trump, again, that his team was a perfect balance of sales, operations, marketing and logistics, which is still true, but adds that with all the conflict this season, he wanted a team that could work together without a bunch of bullshit. Which yes, considering Andrea's the only woman Tarek thinks of as a human being, or indeed notices at all, I see his point. "Much of the task was won in the selection process," he says, which is the ultimate statement of the entire two episodes, but Trumpy's pretty clever: "You won?" Don't fuck this up, don't fuck this up. Stick to your guns..."Yes." Good boy. "There's some conviction," says Trump. "You know more than I do?" Don't fuck this up... "Well, the passion of Tarek and Andrea...with respect to Lee's team..." Good, Sean, good. Trump agrees, and points out that it's a "risky team" Lenny selected for Lee. Roxanne's a good lawyer, Lenny's a "passionate Russian," whatever the hell that means, and then there's...also Pepi.

Lee goes on and on about how performance and skill are second to fooling himself into thinking they give a damn about him winning, and Carolyn comes at him sideways about that embarrassing and continual statement. "Pepi's passionate about you winning? You don't know each other." He says something about how somebody with something to prove will try even harder. Carolyn asks why the hell he would have Lenny onboard, when Lenny's only passion is to prove that he's the rudest, most off-putting person you've ever met. And again: crazycakes about how Lenny would die for him. Why should Sean be the Apprentice? He's older and has experience. Lee replies that he's not even "close to peaking," and there is much cheering at this both in the live audience and -- witnesses would say, although I cannot speak about it without my lawyer present -- at my house. George points out that this is not the answer of a businessman but in fact that of a cult leader, which Lee can never be because he has negative charisma, and really isn't an answer at all. Sean says his advantage is that he can "hit the ground running," and instead of going oblique on this like he should, Lee supplies the opposite and way less impressive "a true Apprentice is ignorant" answer, which is not a plus. This is awful because that used to be his thing, the Boardroom thing, like when he made Lenny that vocab list of approved phrases, and now the phrases he's given himself are: "One day I will be good at my job" and "The point is, I'm bad at my job, isn't that great?" Neither of which are worth even thinking, much less saying. Trump pokes them, and Lee says he had a 4.0 GPA every semester at Cornell, and Sean says he had the equivalent of the same thing at his made-up university. (Of which, by the way, he keeps fudging the name to be an entirely different school than the one he actually went to.) Lee claims "President of the Honors Society," and Sean says he was the valedictorian at his made-up university. For some reason Trump and Lee both act like that's it, final answer, the fight is over. "You're both outstanding. Next time I see you, I'll choose." Oh my God, I can't believe this isn't over. I was assuming that the walls would fly up into the air like at Cage Match, and they'd be secretly at the theatre, and we'd be done here. They take off, and Carolyn stares at them with a somewhat warm facsimile of a smile as they leave.

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