Apprentice
Season 5 Finale

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Lesson Fifteen: Shed Your Personality Like So Many Unwanted Pounds

Trump tells "Stage Manager Joey" to "get over here with the polling results," and Joey refuses to slap him upside his head for that one, and then Trump says, "Wow." Because, you see, "millions of people" have voted, and they all voted for Sean, but he can't say that because the suspense won't thereby kill us, and also he wants to offer Lee a job in a second, but he does admit that it was "pretty one-sided," and that he happens to agree with the vote. Which, considering how heavily arc-ed and edited this show is, I would think that we'd all agree, including Trump. I doubt very much that he sees a hell of a lot more of the tasks than we do, simply because of his clear disinterest in this entire process. "But it's a very tough kind of thing for me to do, because you are both outstanding. Understand that. I'd like to hire both of you, but I can't do that. That's now how the game is." Cut to Randal, cut to Randal, cut to Randal...no dice. Lee is sad because duh, and then he just says it: "Lee you're fired, Sean you're hired."

Sean acts like a total idiot, of course, and dances around, and I won't watch that. Lee already knew, somewhere on a scale of kinda-to-actual, which simultaneously sucks and makes it a bit better. Sean's tragic family dances around in the audience. Theresa hugs somebody, Sean hugs Tarek. Well, I mean, it was a better team. I don't know who I'm really rooting for. Maybe Sean can go over how he's more of an American than most actual Americans again, because I'm pretty sure that's where I lost the plot. Dan looks as uncomfortable as Brent right now. I would have liked to see him on one of the teams, only because he was such a disaster as PM that I think he would have rocked out like the guys did last year. Trump interrupts everything and sends Sean...out of the building? To...drive around in a Pontiac? And tells everybody else to...go home? But nobody actually does? And also the actual Sean-driving-around footage was actually filmed like hours before this? I think that we should just stop here, because this is where things really go to shit, from a TV perspective.

Charmaine is wearing gauchos, I think, and Ivanka is bored, and DJ is talking to some hot blonde. Nobody onstage will speak to or acknowledge Brent or Lenny at all, which is kind of great. This show is such an assembly line. Roxanne waves at the camera. Yay! Sean runs out of the building, shivering and hopping like a complete jackass, and gets in his stupid car and drives away screaming "I'm the Apprentice, baby! Yes! Hah hah!" I would rather be watching Requiem For A Dream with my mom, is how awkward I find all of this behavior. He screams into space, "Mr. Trump! I'm not going to let you down! I'm going to work my fingers to the bone!" Who is he talking to? He honks embarrassingly at people and gets his mess all over them and screams some more about "I'm the Apprentice, baby!" For this we don't get to talk to the candidates more than that bullshit we got? And now the camera is just going to zoom all over the place at random, cutting at some infant's whim in the production booth, angles on nothing, pictures of nobody, some feet, the back of a lady's head, probably twenty cameras in the mix and not one of them focusing on anything worth committing to film, for a good solid five or six years. Lee and Lenny utterly ignore each other the entire time. The song goes over and over on a loop for ever and ever. That song is going to kill me. Trump shakes hands with all kinds of people, Brent wanders around awkwardly waiting for someone to acknowledge his presence, Andrea approaches Trump but they can't think of anything to say to each other, so she talks to George, Carolyn messes with her purse or something. I don't know what to say!

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