Apprentice
Season 5 Finale

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Lesson Fifteen: Shed Your Personality Like So Many Unwanted Pounds

Pepi and Lenny assign the players their helmets and uniforms based on no information whatsoever except that they've seen some of the people on TV a few times. Here's an excerpt: "That one's a goalie, so let's say XXL, but he'll have a small head." I swear to God I hate Lenny so much. That's ridiculous. These people have publicists, and the whole point of a hockey helmet is so that you don't end up paralyzed. The audience laughs at this mind-blowing incompetence and Lenny and Pepi are very serious about this very stupid activity. The time it takes them to estimate the size of John McEnroe's head, they could have called every contact in the entire book, and trust me, nobody would mind, because the point of safety equipment is keeping your shit safe. Lenny laughs for an unknown reason and begs Pepi to stop smoking crack. He's so icky and weird and uncool. Going to commercial, quick shots of the Apprenti backstage: Brent has lost weight but that was never the problem, Andrea looks very cute and is the color of a dead vegetarian, Roxanne and Allie look totally smashing, Dan might have gone a little overboard with the Mystic but is still beautiful.

Sean futzes around with stuff in the "War Room," which ... he calls it the "War Room," and I think that my vision is clouded enough that I wouldn't bristle at that, if it were anybody else. He interviews that SLS gave them this special CD to play that would show how awesome their speakers are, and he can't find it, and he looks around, and finally walkies to Tammy to come and help him look. They're at a convention table, right, with the metal legs and the fake wood grain, that are generally less than ten feet by five feet, and it is in this area that Sean is mumbling and grumbling and halfheartedly messing around. And on which he cannot find a CD without Tammy's help. "Or there will be no music atoll!" he whines. Tammy comes back in, points to a stack of CD's, asks if he looked there, and he immediately finds it. Which is annoying, but not as annoying as the one-two punch in the gut of (a) Sean's stupid shadowboxing and "YES!" fists in the air like he just invented antigravity and (b) the music at this point, which involves an actual choir singing his stupid praise and getting so obnoxiously overjoyed and "Jesu, Sean Of Man's Desiring" and...how much is left? We're not even halfway done. You found a CD, dude. Which you lost. Victory!

Jason Priestly checks in, because when any three Canadians gather, there is Jason Priestly, especially if hockey is involved. Christine watches this, and watches the temp at the front desk ask him who he is and what the hell he wants, and then reports to Lee about how Jason just got dissed and is now wandering around. "He's our star player!" Lee explains that the woman is supposed to notify Lenny so that he can greet and valet them, and Roxanne tells everybody as loudly as possible that Lenny is not answering his phone. Fucking A. Lee goes down and gets another staffer to help convey the players to the locker room as they arrive, and is justly proud of solving the problem. Which, I mean, operationally he did, and that's awesome and he did it with a quickness, but now what is Lenny going to do? Tell more lies and bad jokes and act like an asshole. His entire purpose in life.

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Apprentice

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