Season 5 Finale

Episode Report Card
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Lesson Fifteen: Shed Your Personality Like So Many Unwanted Pounds

Lee introduces Lenny to Jamie Pressley, and they discuss how she's going to auction off the cars for the charity. Her hair looks really cute. I used to think she was the grossest girl in Grossolalia, but now I really like her. I was really happy when I heard she was going to be on Earl, because the buzz about that show was so big and I thought she deserved something very buzzy, and she totally turned that role into ... whatever she's turned it into. I think she's just great. She's totally professional, like double-checking that she's going to have all the car stuff written out and ready beforehand, and very friendly and just, "Let's do this." Lenny's immediately like, "You want to see the players? They are naked." Wrong thing, right girl, because she can roll -- she's like, "Sounds great." They go down there for no reason where the players are getting dressed, and here's what my notes say: "The bad Baldwin, sports guy, sports guy, angry tennis guy." This is why I don't play Trivial Pursuit, because where the sports should be in my pie, there are only half-formed opinions like "Marilu Henner is kind of creepy" or "packaging IE does not fall under antitrust, but aggressive buyouts and hostile takeovers do" or "I don't feel like I'll get rabidly conservative as I age, but I've seen it happen." Or still being kind of mad that scheduling missteps killed both Cupid and L.A. Doctors in like the same week. Those kind of eternal questions. All the faceless people laugh about how their uniforms are shitty, and they're all too busy to care that Jamie Pressley is there, and then Denis Leary bitches about the uniforms, and Lenny bumbles around. I couldn't care about Denis Leary if you paid me at this point.

Carolyn appears at the Chelsea Piers pre-party as Lenny manages to confuse Jamie Pressley beyond all reason about what it is she's supposed to be doing, and Jamie can't even remember Lee's name. Carolyn goes all kind of hardcore Connecticut about how horrible Lenny is, and spits antique nail-head trim because Lee is a fool. "And Pepi, why is he here?" Just sublimely pissed. It's gorgeous. Jamie is just like, "What are we doing right now?"

The cobra'd Apprenti enter the live studio, and here's how that goes. Summer still looks like a hostess, but at like an Olive Garden instead of a tanning salon. Stacey basically looks like she's scared Brent's going to come up behind her. Pepi looks lost, still with the cute hair, wearing that same outfit as Trump. Theresa looks like Alla, crossed with the uniforms from that Gwyneth Paltrow movie about flight attendants. Brent looks like a total fucking tool. Dan is hotter than a...anything. Bryce looks ten years younger and has a scary jack-o'-lantern smile. Lenny has gained some weight and has really lovely gray hair, and is wearing a fabulous pinstriped suit. Leslie is...oh, she's gone. Andrea is getting her serious Santa Fe hipster on with an embroidered jacket and tight-leg jeans and a really awesome, soft haircut. Charmaine's hair is a lot softer too, with a part and bangs, and looks really pretty. Tarek is aggressively greasy but still looks like Tarek. Michael gives the impression of having less facial features than before: smoother, smarmy, boring as ever. Tammy is dressed like a princess at a royal prom on the moon. Allie's hair is longer -- the door shuts in her face, which made me laugh even though I'm okay with her -- and is wearing a lovely mint-green dress, and Roxanne looks not so happy to be there, but is wearing this truly amazing outfit, like a swashbuckling Keira Knightly in orange and rust and brown. They look stunning, both of them. Everybody waves and sits. I have to say that Andrea looks the greatest out of all of them, which is surprising and cool, and also that Tammy's dress is very RED!

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