Season Finale

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Lesson Thirteen: People Aren't Metaphors

Does she think she's better than Randal? "As an Apprentice, I think absolutely, Mr. Trump." She's so hardcore that the table starts to shake. The lights swing back and forth. She looks at all the exit doors, and they all slam shut. Randal begs to differ, Mr. Trump, and in fact, "I run businesses, Rebecca writes about business." There are low rumblings, a mix of cheering and WTF. "There's no comparison in our academic background, no comparison in our professional experience, and I have an undefeated record, Mr. Trump, she has a 1 and 2 record, and a losing team record." George, either because he's got something to say, or because he's as embarrassed by this needless and startlingly rehearsed information as we are, starts to ask about Randal's record, but Trump cuts him off for commercial, and we never hear what George was thinking.

Apprentice Filler Moment of Alla shitting on Felisha, commercials, drunks cheering for Rebecca in Chicago, Becky! Becky! Becky!, Rebecca smiling intensely, no idea what went on during this break. I really hope Trump told Randal to get a firmer grip on his horses, because as usual, he's coming off as mechanized and glib, blurting whatever trite and true business homily -- or in this case, true fact about the competition -- that fits the occasion, but he's not a versatile enough speaker to sand off the rough edges first. He stood in the mirror, smiled at himself, and asked himself three questions: "Why should you be the Apprentice?" "What makes you better than Rebecca?" and "Why not hire you both?" And he practiced, and he practiced, until he could do them in his sleep, and Trump's playing absolute havoc with this, because he keeps cutting him off and asking other questions, and so the leftover pieces of his three very long, very polished, very good answers are just getting jammed wherever, and it's so nerve-wracking, because I guarantee you if he'd spent the last six months or whatever dining out and forgetting all about this crap but for watching himself on the screen every week with a beer, he could have walked in the room and commanded it, but instead he comes off really disjointed and, frankly, weirdly aggressive and unaware of the conversational flow, when what he's actually unaware of is anything beyond not spazzing the hell out.

Trump talks for thousands of years. Slightly condensed: Trump wants good people around him, it's his keystone principle. While many people enjoy The Apprentice as the sensationalist, LCD-edited, crap reality-TV product it totally is, for Trump it is Real Life No Fooling, and that means this is all very damned important and not just Survivor with pinstripe suits and jet rides. Which it totally is. He reiterates this several times. Trump has never seen an educational background like Randal's, which could whup Trump's in two seconds flat, and as Rebecca would say, education is something to respect. Likewise, he thinks that Rebecca has a great education, is very smart, handles pressure amazingly well, broke her ankle -- "In all fairness, Randal, she broke an ankle," he says, and Randal makes a really ugly face for a second -- and Trump believes that given this, most people (male or female, he abhorrently notes) would run home to Mom. "Is that right?" They're both like, "Kinda?" But Rebecca, "she never thought about it. Did you?" Lots of cheering, lots more of Randal's shockingly ugly faces he's suddenly making, lots of Rebecca shaking her head intensely. No she did not. Trump loved the way she handled pressure through the entire fifteen weeks (fifteen, now) -- nobody better. Randal is just openly pissed now. Trump is a bit dubious about Rebecca's loyalty to Toral (even though moments ago he "got" it), but resolves this momentary tension in a split second: "Ultimately your loyalty was really wonderful." Just fucking get there, old man. You're not even making sense.

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