Season Finale

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Lesson Thirteen: People Aren't Metaphors

So you've got Trump wiggling his weltanschauung at you like some kind of playground creep, begging you to implicate yourself, you've got Jentethno and Mark cheering crazily, Adam clapping spasmotically and adorably because he likes Rebecca, Toral clapping from the nosebleed seats where she's not even in the frame, Alla and Felisha screaming "No!" for no reason other than that they are disgusting, not because they've rationally decided Rebecca hasn't earned it, but that ship sailed weeks ago, months ago, and you've got Josh yelling something, positive or negative undecipherable, giggling with Brian and somebody in the crowd, Brian trying to catch Jenthura's eye while screaming like a hooligan, Rebecca smiling over at you affectionately, Clay looking pissy, Brian and Jenthura and Mark laughing and feeling weirded out, Markus with no idea what's going on at all, not sure if he's supposed to stand up again or clap or yell or what, and the camera swings on you, Randal, looking gobsmacked, because this is moving really, really fast, and nobody can believe Trump's doing this.

So Randal falls back to Answer Number Three, which he's been practicing ever since that last Boardroom when they kept calling them equally stars and all that bullshit, which sounded a lot less shitty in his head, because in his head Trump didn't call Randal the winner and then take it away, and nobody got hurt because Rebecca had a job unrelated to the contest, like Andy from that other season, but now, with this atmosphere that he can't entirely read, it sounds weirder than he thinks: "Mr. Trump. Mr. Trump, I firmly believe that this is the Apprentice, that there is one and only one apprentice," and the crowd starts getting upset, and Felisha yells at them to shut up, and Brian's still trying to hit on Jenthura, and Markus still has no idea, and Toral gets weird, and Josh and Clay start clapping, "and if you're going to hire someone tonight, it should be one. It's not the Apprenti, it's the Apprentice." The candidates laugh, everybody laughs, there's a small awww from the audience. Alla goes nuts. Trump: "Okay, all right, I'm going to leave it at that then. I think I could have been convinced, but you feel that's the way it should be?" Which is Bad Daddery, in my house: "Well, folks, we were going to have ice cream, I myself was very excited, but somebody isn't going to cooperate, soooo…"

Felisha laughs nastily and claps her hands as Randal agrees that this is how it should be, and Trump agrees to leave it that way. This is not Randal-love, this is something else entirely, on facial expression alone, this is...really missing the fucking point, I know that much. Rebecca shakes her head tinily, and Alla cheers and whoops, and Josh claps, and we get real close on Rebecca, nodding sadly: "Wow."

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