We jump right in to meet a hipster looking dude named Ducky. I mean, he's got a handlebar mustache. How can I take him seriously? I wish this was a blind audition for me. His cute girlfriend is hoping he gets on the show so that he can propose to her. She could probably do better. He's singing "Tighten Up," and I don't love his voice, as he gets a little screechy at points. The judges agree with me, and none of them spin around. His poor girlfriend will have to wait longer for a ring. Ducky does get a swig of Sarsaparilla from Blake's glass for his troubles. Carson insists that America will love him and think the judges were crazy. I'm pretty sure they won't remember him five minutes from now. Does Carson know nothing about the attention span of the average viewer?
And, I'm pretty sure that the judges are all still wearing the same clothes as before. So either this was shot over multiple days and they forced them to dress the same in order to make it easier on the editors, or this was all done in one day and for some reason they feel like torturing me and have stretched this out for about 100 episodes. Either way, I'm sort of disgusted.
Next up is married dad of two, Jonathas. This show is killing me with these names. He's from Brazil and his mom moved him here so his family could have a better life. His daughter is dressed like Milania Giudice for some reason, so I guess that means she has a better life? He steps out on stage and he's singing "U Got It Bad." The judges are all just listening and unable to see his dance moves, but the audience is eating it up. Finally Cee Lo and Christina turn their chairs around. Cee Lo thought it was the Real Usher and that the producers were pranking him. Christina talks about his package and Cee Lo attempts to bribe him with jewelry. Adam throws his two cents in for no apparent reason, but no one listens. Jonathas waffles between Cee Lo who he loves and Christina who he's wanted to bang since fifth grade. Eventually the penis does the picking (TM Patti Stanger) and he goes with Xtina.
Carson tells us that Christina only has five spots on her team remaining. I wish there was some sort of infographic that could tell us how many people each judge has, instead of having to have Carson throw in random updates. It would be like football scores at the bottom of the screen. If ESPN can do it, why not The Voice?
Next up is Monique Benabou. She has a tragic story about how she helped her sick mother recover from cancer, and that's nice, but all I can see is the enormous feather earrings she's got on. They are insanely distracting. She steps up and sings "Mr. Know It All," which is not the Kelly Clarkson song I'd pick to show off my voice at an audition as it doesn't have the range of some of her other tunes. She sounds OK, I guess, but not insanely awesome. And she's fist pumping. Christina turns her chair around after that happens though, so she has no idea what she's really getting herself into with this one. Blake gives Christina a big compliment and then Christina babbles for a while and reenacts pushing her button. Ooooh, will the excitement ever start?