Episode Report Card
admin: D- | 5 USERS: B-
The Hardy Boys Make It A Manwitch Night

Alleyway. Aftermath. Blockheaded Bobby reluctantly confirms he gambled away twenty-five years of his life in the foolish hope that he'd win, thereby regaining use of his legs, and that confession's barely left his lips when the first signs of rapid aging attack the bags beneath his eyes. Dean pitches a momentary fit before spinning around on his heel and hoofing it back into the bar, where we find...

...The Cypriot Leprechaun himself, setting up yet another mark in tandem with the woman we'll soon enough learn is his longtime partner in crime. Yes, Hal Ozsan is using an Irish accent, and yes, it is even more painful than you could possibly imagine, and yes, Hal Ozsan's unimaginably painful Irish accent is yet another item on the list of Sucky Things That Suck About This Episode Which Sucks, so I'll be skipping ahead to the bit wherein Dashing El Deano draws The Cypriot Leprechaun into the bar's back parlor for a chat, and long story short, Dean calls him "Manwitch" -- which is about the only amusing bit this evening -- before demanding he return the years he won from Speed Racer. No go, needless to say, and by the way, bullets have no effect on The Manwitch, so Dashing El Deano can just tuck that trusty pearl-handled automatic of his back into the waistband of his jeans, thank you very much, and would Dashing El Deano be interested in a ludicrous game of ridiculous cards? He would, despite Blockheaded Bobby's vociferous protestations, so we head off to...

...The Cellar Of Blockheaded Bobby's Ludicrous Doom, where The Cypriot Leprechaun opens an elaborate and expensive-looking poker set on the green felt table while reminding Our Intrepid Pinhead that the standard buy-in is twenty-five years. The Manwitch, incidentally, has a very noticeable habit of chewing on toothpicks, a character detail which you may wish to note. You know, just in case it becomes important in about twenty minutes when Darling Sammy attempts to swipe one to use as a DNA sample in the vanquishing ritual they perform at the behest of The Manwitch's partner in crime. Ooops! Spoiler! Dean, naturally, asks for double the minimum number of chips and, after The Cypriot Leprechaun's zapped said chips with a bit of Latinated mojo, immediately returns twenty-five, which are to be credited to Blockheaded Bobby's account. The Manwitch latinates some more, and before you know it, a large gout of flame erupts from the center of the table to transform the pile of chips into a pile of ash. And when the fire dissipates, we see that Speed Racer's been restored to his proper age. And because I am attempting to make it through this misbegotten nightmare of an episode as quickly as possible, I will not be wondering why Dim Dean didn't immediately return twenty-six chips to The Cypriot Leprechaun for immolation, thereby restoring Blockheaded Bobby not only to the latter's proper age, but also to the latter's former state of entirely ambulatory health because this episode sucks, and I want to die, and while I'm not wondering why Dim Dean didn't immediately return twenty-six chips for immolation, I'll also not be wondering why we're expected to fret about Dim Dean's well being at this or any other point during this misbegotten horror of an episode because hey, isn't Dim Dean Michael's angel condom, and wouldn't Zachariah immediately restore Dim Dean to his proper age and former state of entirely bow-legged health no matter what the hell happens during the ludicrous rounds of Texas Hold 'Em that follow? AAAUAUAUUUUUAAAUAUUUAUUUGH. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Fuck you, Raoul. You too, Simon Pegg.

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