Ugliest season ever! We start, as usual, at L.A. finals week as girl after suspect-looking girl shows her stuff to Tyra and the Jays. And seriously, these girls are not lookers (see: Furonda). We cut from thirty-two to twenty, and then to thirteen. Convincing sob stories guarantee New Orleans "Nose" Wendy and Nigerian "Actually Pretty" Nnenna each a place on the show, but Dani the racist Texan, chosen for her uncanny ability to shit-start, and "Dr. Yvonne," who is, in fact, a doctor, aren't quite so lucky. The final thirteen move to the second hour and encounter our former favorite judge Janice Dickinson, who leads them through a mock press conference in which Nnenna makes a good impression, Jade makes an ass of herself, and Gina makes us wonder if she shouldn't be riding the bus with her sister. The girls move into their L.A. house and head out to dinner, where Gina gets wasted, but in more of a sad Betty Ford kind of way than a fun Lisa kind of way. Later, topless madness ensues in the hot tub, and Joanie offers to give someone a soggy $100 bill to catwalk naked around the pool. Joanie is all class. For their photo challenge, the girls must go "bald," and they freak out until they discover that it is baldness of the prosthetic variety. They all look like weird bedazzled aliens, and Kari wins the prize for largest head ever in the competition. When eliminations roll around, it comes down to Fugly Furonda and Kreepy Kathy from the mountains, both of whom, it must be said, are not genetically blessed. Like a mangy sacrificial lamb, Kathy's the one to go. And on a final note, you think Yaya was bad? Yaya was Jade lite.
Top Model is back baby! Tyra begins the show's opening montage of previous seasons by telling us, "America's Next Top Model is not just about beauty." Nor, are we to soon learn, is it about beauty at all. Let Season 6, whose theme appears to be, "This is your fantasy, if your fantasy involves lots of homely girls," begin!
We cut to LAX, where the semi-final thirty-two girls are arriving. We first meet Sarah, twenty-one, from Davis, California, who has no modeling experience but thinks she'll do just fine anyway, and Danielle, twenty, from Little Rock, Arkansas, who will not rest until she gets into the Top Model house. A small break separates good from evil as we meet Dani, eighteen, from Spring, Texas. Dani's entire life has been a dream, she says, because she cheerleads at football games and has so many friends. As we are to learn, however, Dani's perception of reality is a bit distorted, so I wouldn't take her word for any of that. Next, Kathy, twenty, from Brevard, NC, says that she has just taken her first plane trip to come to the semi-finals. With that, God finally got to see what he had created close-up. And then, He wept. Kathy notes that people really do look like ants from high up above. Kathy, from ground level, looks like a fifty-year-old whore.
Several girls chat in the airport van to their hotel, and discuss their experiences auditioning. The aforementioned Dani shows her aptitude for statistics by spontaneously disaggregating the data from her audition, noting that the girls there were 95% black. Her van, which is populated by two African-American girls and one girl of Asian descent, is rife with "No she didn't" looks. One of the African-Americans, who we will learn later is Furonda, says, "I mean, what's your point, though?" Dani says her point is just that there were a lot of black girls. You know she wanted to say "coloreds." In an interview, Dani says that she has her opinions, and tries to stay committed to them. In her audition video, she calls herself an "uber-conservative Republican hardcore Baptist." She does not like gay people, Muslims, abortions, or anything liberal. So then she's okay with the super-conservative Muslims, I guess, and will be joining the jihad at any moment. Furonda says that Dani is not going to make her become "the angry black woman." At this point, Dani is making me an angry black woman.
Quick flash of the Rose Bowl, where I saw Cher in her penultimate concert! Follow this, bitches!