America's Next Top Model
The Girls Go Bald

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Bald Fuggle

We begin Hour 2 in Pasadena, where the thirteen finalists line up before a big poster of Mr. Jay. Sara calls herself and her counterparts "lovely ladies," and says that she is excited. They have been showing a lot of Sara. But before I can muse on this fact for too long, Jay comes bursting through the poster of himself like a tiny orange football player from Gay High. Kathy says, "My heart dropped to the floor and I could not breathe," which is obviously a quote taken out of context from an interview about looking in the mirror for the first time. "We don't have these shiny things on the mountain!"

The girls drive to the Bel Age Hotel, and there Jay is again. Why couldn't he just tell them whatever he is going to tell them at their other hotel? Jay says that, in the world of modeling, the pretty gene is not enough. Oooh, burn, Season 5 Ashley! Jay adds that you also need a dynamic personality, and who better to instruct them in matters of personality than Miss Janice Dickinson! She enters, and the girls clap and scream, and then Janice yells, "That's all you got? That's all you got?" which I think is the same thing she did last year. She probably thinks it's the same day and is all, "I'll show that Lisa a thing or two!" We see some old clips, one of which is the time Janice sexually molested Tyra. That was a good day. Janice yells, "And you thought I was finished!" Jade interviews that they met Janice, "the world's oldest supermodel." Oh, how I wish she had said that to Janice's face. Jade would have been going home inside a pie crust.

Janice gives the girls a few pointers on finding the personality trait that distinguishes each of them from the other girls. Jay tells them that they have set up an impromptu press conference in which there is only one microphone at each table. The girls will have to figure out how to make themselves stick out in the minds of the "reporters" who are there. Gina is nervous because she can't speak very well in public. That seriously should be the least of Gina's worries. Janice yells, "Hit it, bitches!"

The girls enter the press conference room, where they are seated at two long tables, kind of like if they were answering phones for a telethon. Janice and Jay have apparently been teleported to the judging table. Furonda says that she strategically picked a seat close to one of the microphones, while Brooke says she was just nervous. Good vs. evil alert! Good vs. evil alert! Jay introduces the reporters. One of them asks to hear from the woman who truly thinks that she is the frontrunner. Several girls try to get into that game, including Furonda, who gets a few words out. But Danielle, who is nowhere near a microphone, loudly says that she would like to take that question. She gets super-aggressive when she has the microphone, saying that she wouldn't let any other girl answer. Except then Furonda does answer, and calls herself "the fierce, fabulous Furonda." Then, not to be outdone, Jade snatches the microphone from her and calls herself "the undiscovered supermodel." Okay, I get it. Tyra, as she often does, thought, "I'm not going to cast a black bitch this year...I'm going to cast three black bitches!" And then she goes through them like The Count from Sesame Street. "One black bitch! Mwah ha ha ha! Two black bitches! Mwah ha ha ha! Three black bitches! Mwah ha ha ha!" With a look of disgust on her face, Janice asks Jade what makes her so hot. Jade says that she's versatile and totally different, and Mollie Sue pipes up to say, "We're all going to have to take note of that." Jade tells Mollie Sue to shut up, and Janice quite helpfully gives the pointer that "zip it" is much nicer than "shut up." Noted. Zip it, Jade.

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America's Next Top Model

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