America's Next Top Model
The Girls Go Bald

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Bald Fuggle

Jay says that the girls generally need a lot of work to make it to the final thirteen, but some of them did look pretty good. He names Dr. Yvonne the winner. Yvonne says that she is going to bring everything to the table, including a pair of forceps. Additionally, Yvonne is not pretty. This season should really be ashamed of itself.

Joanie, twenty-four, is from Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania, which is not all that far from my hometown. In high school, I was friends with an exchange student from Japan whose English was really limited when she first came to the U.S. but improved a lot in the year she was here. Toward the end of her stay, we were driving along with some other friends near Beaver Falls, and she busted out with "Smells good in Beaver County." It was her first gross joke in English. As you can imagine, we were very proud. In any case, Joanie says that she feels like a fat fourth-grader who was picked last for the dodgeball team. Joanie might be pretty, but her psycho eyes make it difficult to say for sure. Commercials.

When we return, the girls have just finished breakfasting and appear to be playing patty-cake. Maybe they're working off the excess calories from that second saltine. It was, after all, quite an indulgence. The Jays return and tell the girls that Tyra couldn't be with them, but that they have a taped message from her. The girls are disappointed. I am not, because it is clearly a fake-out. Tyra is actually there and has much love showered upon her. Tanika, twenty-three, of Buffalo, New York, is excited. Tyra says that she looked at all of their tapes, and that making it this far is quite an accomplishment since producers received tens of thousands of audition tapes this season. Tens of thousands of tapes and this is the best they can do? Some poor intern totally just picked thirty-two tapes out of a giant bin and set the rest on fire. Leslie, eighteen, from Higley, Arizona, says that Tyra looks like a perfect mannequin doll and is even more gorgeous in person. Leslie is pretty hot. She asks Tyra if she'll do the catwalk for them. Tyra does and shakes her booty, which starts a booty-shaking revolution from all the girls. Shkita, twenty-four, from Los Angeles, who looks like the "feed me or I'll kill you" head of that weird three-faced baby doll, notes that they're in the competition now, and says not to talk to her. I will oblige, if only because it means I won't have to look at her either. Seriously, you guys.

Now it's time for the girls to go before the tiny panel of Tyra and the Jays. Sara -- who we've seen quite a bit of, if you ask me -- is first. She just graduated from Georgetown, and happened to be at the mall when ANTM auditions were taking place. Someone approached her about auditioning for the show, so here she is. Sara may win, or at least be in the final four. She's 6'1" and athletic, and notes that being so tall had an effect on her when she was growing up. I am a lofty 5'9" and always felt like a gangly giant, so I feel for her. Her nickname is "Glamazon." She seems totally nice and normal, and has a slammin' bod. Sarah has always wondered if she'd have potential as a model. After she leaves, Jay notes that she might be too tall, and Tyra agrees that designers usually cast girls who are between 5'9" and 5'11". But there is a model named Oluchi Onweagba who is 6'2" and gets lots of work, so anything is possible.

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America's Next Top Model

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