Episode Report Card
admin: A- | 2 USERS: A
The Hardy Boys Go Back To The Future. Again." target="_blank">Anna just shoots her in the head. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Kidding! "Rats!" Yeah, Anna actually just throws Mary through a windshield. "VIOLENCE!" Unfortunately, Anna then proceeds to take approximately three thousand years to stalk her way over to the car Mary landed on so that by the time she actually makes it, Mary's died of old age and long ago crumbled into dust. "Are you making a mockery of this charming little Thursday-evening divertissement again, or do this beguilingly becoiffed young lady and her shockingly outré peasant blouse actually age and decay before our very eyes?!" I am making a mockery of this charming little Thursday-evening divertissement. "Drat!" Yep, actually, Mary just reaches for a handy crowbar and jams it into Anna's chest! "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" And then? Anna slowly removes the guts-encrusted thing from that sucking chest wound she's now sporting and blithely remarks, "Sorry! It's not that easy to kill an angel." "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Fortunately for Unburnt Mary, Super-Smart Sammy's tippy-toed into a far corner of the garage while Anna was otherwise engaged, and has smeared an impressively large Angel-B-Gon sigil onto the wall. Super-Smart Sammy smacks his mighty mitt onto the center of the gruesome thing, and Anna blasts backwards in a gout of terrible white light, temporarily banished from the rapidly deteriorating situation just as Alarmingly Attractive John rouses himself from his swoon to shoot Unburnt Mary A Look Fraught With Significant Amounts Of WTF?!? Unburnt Mary and her French-flip curls droop with dismay directly into the METAL TEETH CHOMP!

Metallicar '78. Aftermath. John and Mary occupy the front seat while Sam and Dean find themselves uncomfortably mashed up in the back together, and as the visual itself is already screaming "Family Road Trip From Hell," there's little need for me to transcribe the awkwardness that ensues. Long story short, Alarmingly Attractive John finds out that monsters are real and that Unburnt Mary and her family have been fighting them for generations, and that's about that. Next!

Unburnt Mary leads the boys plus her eminently doable husband into a remote and ramshackle farmhouse that's been in the Campbell family for years, proudly directing their attention to the spray-painted devil's traps and "pure iron fixtures" before noting that the pantry is always stocked with salt, holy water, various pointy implements of demonic destruction, and guns. "All that stuff'll do is piss it off," The Ginormomope glooms. "So," Unburnt Mary wonders, "what'll kill it -- or slow it down, at least?" "Not much," Sam continues to Eeyore, so it's left to Dean to remind everyone that they happened to have come prepared with an entire duffel bag full of anti-angel goodies, including a couple of jars of Jerusalem oil and explicit, dimwit-proof instructions for the Angel-B-Gon. The quartet splits up, with Sam trotting off with his soon-to-be mother to soak the farmhouse's rotting floorboards in highly flammable Jerusalem oil while Doable John hangs back with his soon-to-be son to chit-chat about the Anna-zapping sigil, which he promptly volunteers to smear all over the walls. Dean attempts to warn John off by noting that the Angel-B-Gon must be painted with human blood, but all that warning does is motivate Doable John to slice open his palm with a hunting knife. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Are we enjoying ourselves, Raoul? "We are!" Excellent. Also: OW! Why the hell is everyone always slicing open their goddamned palms on this show? Do they not know how much that shit stings? Can they not just break into a goddamned blood bank and swipe a couple of bags of O positive? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? "Demian!" WHAT? "You'll pardon me for interrupting, I'm sure, but I do believe you've become absolutely hysterical!" My apologies, friend of friends. Sometimes these stupid little details just set me off. "No problem!" Then, should I continue? "Please do!" Okay.

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