Trista & Ryan’s Wedding, Part 2

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Lamb, Meet Slaughter

For reasons I think you'll instantly understand, there's a late-breaking nickname christening from "Ryan" to "Cryin'." Carry on.

Everyone consoles Cryin', who is really upset that people didn't want to watch the strippers. I'm still not following. And even less so when a second wave of strippers makes its way in and suddenly no one has a problem with it anymore. My brows are so furrowed with confusion and concern it's like I suddenly have two televisions right next to each other. A new TV! Thank you, Uncle Fleissy!

The ladies, meanwhile, are having NO problem with this bacchanal of sex and death (well, neither). A guy strips to his boxers and jumps in the pool. Trista teaches two guys a dance from her Miami Heat days. Don't they mean her "physical therapy specialist" days?

Two of the wedding girls go spy on the Eyes Wide Shut (meaning: steeped in misbegotten symbolism but secretly really boring) moment unfolding with the guys, promising that what she's seen (and what we haven't) is not for Trista's eyes, and that she "won't be mentioning" any of what she saw to her. Well. Mission accomplished.

This juxtaposition is giving me whiplash! Oh, now Trista gets a stripper. And all of the women are fine with it. And no one is uncomfortable. One of them is in a fireman's costume. Jackie proclaims the entire situation "gross." You said it, sister, not me.

The two girls lure Cryin' away from the main set, teasing and flirting and blah. They amble off with Cryin' as, back at the bachelorette party, Shannon screams, "Let's go find the guys!" Whoo! Cryin', meanwhile, is sitting in the dark with the two strippers, who are all over him and telling him they won't get him in any trouble. But Pete and another guy come over to rescue him, telling us all earnestly, "I don't think Ryan's love for Trista needs to be tested by a girl in a catsuit." Not that there's much competition, but that wins Best Line big-time. Back with the guys, Cryin' proclaims the entire situation "stressful," and he takes off. He wanders drunkenly out of the camera's gaze, turning back to the attending crews and yelling that staple line of put-upon reality-show contestants everywhere, "This is my life!" That's right. So stop looking at me like it's my fault.

Fun turns to boozy turns to strippers turns to, somehow, rain. Wow. God watches The Bachelor. What an emotional tipping point. The ladies come to crash the party and discover that Cryin' is missing. Trista becomes very upset and starts to cry, worrying that she knows he wants and needs her. Trista walks off by herself, still walking slowly enough that the cameras can get a mark on her, into the hotel and into a bathroom, where we can hear her wailing with sadness behind the closed door. Wow. It is pouring down emotionally appropriate rain!

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