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New Girl: The Do’s and Don’ts of Sexual Sabotage

Well that was an awfully manic episode of New Girl, wasn't it? I mean, it makes sense, considering all four of the loftmates have spiraled into different levels of mania, but that didn't make "The Captain" any less of a strange episode. An especially evil and vindictive Schmidt made good on his word to do everything in his power to split up a newly emotional Nick and sexually awakened Jess, who fell for his trickery. Winston…well, Winston had another storyline involving his cat.

Do: Your Boyfriend or Girlfriend A Lot, No Matter How Much It Drives Your Roommates Crazy
As expected, Nick and Jess have some outrageous sexual chemistry. But, unfortunately for Schmidt and Winston, they have to listen to all of it. While Winston has a survival kit, Schmidt is still hell-bent on sabotage. First he gets inside Nick's anxiety-raddled head and turns him impotent and then he convinces Jess that Nick is into an extreme sex act called "The Captain" (it involves clean up, racial slurs and dolphin sounds). But because these two are so into each other, not even some sexual setbacks could stop them from attempting to soundproof their room and have at it.

Don't: Be An A-Hole That Tries to Break Up Your Very Happy, Sexually Compatible Friends
Schmidt, the reason the Douchebag Jar was invented (I mean, he really should have had to put at least hundreds of dollars in there for creating a Billy Zane fan club called Zaniacs), hit sociopathic levels in "The Captain." Not only did he not care that his friends were in love, but he reveled in their misery. He also ate Jess's birth control pills ("Full week, bitches!") and bought a cake for evil, so yeah, it was hard to be a Schmidt fan. The good thing is that no one let him slide. Winston called him out on his mean-spirited behavior and Jess gave it to him straight: "You did a bad thing; deal with it." When he left an apology note for Cece (wait, why no note for Elizabeth?!), she promptly spit gum in it while on a date with a new guy. Schmidt has some repenting to do.

Do: Get In Touch With Your Feelings
We've seen sexually adventurous Jess before, but we've never really met open and vulnerable Nick. Once the floodgates opened, Nick told Jess a lot of personal things about himself, things he probably never told anyone before. Things like: he loves the cello, the birth of a zebra once made him cry and he likes when rap songs have a chorus, among many other adorable anecdotes. Of course, the most important thing he opened up about is that he likes Jess so very much and she makes him feel, see, smell and hear things he never had before he starting dating her. Nick's willingness to open up (even if he opens up a little too much) not only makes him even more crush-worthy, but it shows Nick and Jess have some legs as a couple. I think we're all going to want to major in Nicholas Studies.

Don't: Throw a Cat Bachelor Party, It's Real Creepy
Winston has gone totally insane, but hey, at least he owns it, right? He is so obsessed with his new cat Furguson that not only does he try to get it laid before he has to get it neutered, but he can't even recognize an obvious euphemism for sex when an attractive stranger tries to get it on with him. As Winston put it, it's a pretty scary when the guy who makes a "cat brothel" is the only normal person in that loft. Still, he needs to step away from the cat, ASAP.

Don't: Call Them the Chicago Brown Bears
It's just the Bears, Schmidt.

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