Hey, there's a graphic violence warning tonight! Got that, kids? Don't watch! Hey, it's Kiefer's longest day. Terrorists are plotting to assassinate a presidential candidate. Kiefer's wife and daughter are involved…and so's Nina. Damn. All along, we'd thought that the shot of Nina paired with the monologue about the people being involved was a red herring. Not so. Her mole-ness was right under our noses all along. Like those articles about how she used a PC instead of a Mac. I feel so used and cheap. How could I, like David Thomson, get taken in? I'm not even straight.
Previouslys. Senator Palmer, I know you're being assassinated, but could I go down on you? It would mean so much to me. Oh wait, I think your phone contains deadly explosives. Kaboom! Hmmmm. I'm hugging my father as portrayed by Dennis Hopper. Aren't we sexy? Okay, but at least admit that we've got the whole Eastern European we're not hung up on our sexuality because we're from a nasty poor Communist country chemistry going, and so what if we look gay, we're Yugoslavian…or whatever it is we are. I'm Lady MacPalmer. I'm gonna fuck everything up Machiavellian-style because that's what I do all day, ai-i-i-i-i-ght? ? I'm Dennis Hopper again. I wanna kiss my Eastern European son some more! 'Cause I'm Dennis Hopper! Hey, we got cell phones and we use them to give orders to other terrorists. Jealous!?! Hey, I'm Kiefer and I'm way sexier than my daughter, so could I trade my velvety-voiced self in for her? Okay, I'll be right there at those docks. Oh, yeah! Hey, I'm Spawn and I'm too stupid to live, but do you want some coffee? Psych! My name is Yelena. I'm the mole and I have an accent. Oh, and I'm Nina.
The night sky is a rusty, murky color as the SeasonOneFinaleKiefmobile on loan from the Drazens blazes down the highway. Wooden flutes play on the soundtrack like he's approaching an Indian reservation or something. But he's not. Kiefer smolders at the wheel as the opening credits roll. Jalapeño's back? Dude! All is quiet and serene at the Scooby Docks. A fine mist is in the air. More wooden flute. What are these "the docks" of, anyway? Walden Pond? At this point, it wouldn't surprise me to learn that the Drazens have set themselves up by a lake so they can escape brilliantly via paddleboat. And by the way, what was it exactly that gave ForeignAccentedTerrorBoss the basis for removing Gaines from the project so that he and his alcoholic manwhore brother could run it into the ground? Yeah, I'm totally missing the Gaines days…I mean, "hours." He had a big farm with lots of cute TerrorMinions and all this surveillance technology. The Drazens just have plastic explosives, lasers, cell phones, and turtlenecks. Such dorks. And all along I was thinking, oh, just wait until the next batch of terrorists comes along. That'll be really disturbing. Well, so far nothing has topped Bride's rape. I mean, Dennis Hopper shooting the female hostage guest star? Come on! And they served Spawn coffee, for krying out loud. In fact, I bet that was better coffee than the swill that Bride has been drinking at CTU while no one gives her any information. Yeah, goodbye, Drazen brothers. Don't let the door smack your ass on the way out.
Wait, there are voices. Male Serbian voices from far away. The search is on for Spawn. Spawn emerges from Lake Terrorpisakee, her hair glistening with light-catching sewer water, gazes openmouthed at all the big complicated machinery around, and hides from a flashlight-wielding TerrorMinion. Flashlight-WieldingTerrorMinion gets a call on his cell. It's FATB. Of course. He asks FWTM how the search for Spawn is going. FWTM says he hasn't found her yet. FATB stresses the importance of "finding zee girl," and goes back to discussing strategy with WasteOfProductionBudget…I mean, "Dennis Hopper." More Flashlight-WieldingTerrorMinions comb the area with flashlights. They barely miss finding Spawn, who is panting quite deliciously in her skintight and wet jeans and jean shirt. The shirt, incidentally, is buttoned up all the way to her collarbone. I can't believe they missed an opportunity for Spawn cleavage. She makes a run for it. Is this a reference to her earlier opportunity to run away from the TerrorKompound with Rick that she passed on? She scales a barbed wire fence, jumps into a road full of big rigs -- that, incidentally, we never heard in the background until now -- and stands down an eighteen-wheeler until it stops.