12:00 PM – 1:00 PM

Episode Report Card
Gustave: B | Grade It Now!

The time is 12:07:45 PM. Palmer's Secret Service van flees the office of Ferragamo the ScorchedPsychologist in search of Maureen Kingsley. "Maureen Kingsley is finally going to get the story of her career," vows Palmer, despite the objections of Poor Man's Hume Cronyn. Oh, and after he tells Maureen all about the FlamingFreudian, he's going to speak to the D.A. And it's going to happen, too. Because every time someone on this show has a noble plan, that plan always gets carried out. Thanks for the heads-up, Palmer! PMHC recommends that Palmer talk it over with his wife. "She deserves to know," says PMHC. I think we know where this is going.

Back in the TerrorWoods, Gaines calls ForeignAccentedTerrorBoss to tell him about a "change of plans." I guess you could call the KieferKlan's fiery escape a "change of plans." There was this fresh lump of poo, you see. The TerrorSquad had planned for it to remain a comfortable distance from this rather large electric fan which was supposed to be unplugged. That plan was changed at some point. I guess that FATB is less sensitive to certain subtleties of the English language, because he seems to think that Kiefer's arrival at the TerrorKompound is good news and therefore a reason to give Gaines yet another chance to carry out the TerrorPlan. FauxYork advises Gaines that they might want to rethink the pursuit of Kiefer since he overheard The Velvety Voiced One himself kalling Nina and giving her lokation koordinates. Gaines rationalizes his decision to keep up his kwest to rekapture Kiefer by explaining that killing Kiefer is their only hope of surviving the onkoming wrath of both CTU and the TerrorBrothers. I can't see how this is a better idea than FauxYork's suggestion that they both get the fuck out of Dodge City, but it ensures a final konfrontation between Kiefer and Gaines, so I'm not going to komplain too kontentiously.

And speaking of Kiefer, he does his wood nymph dart with Rick in tow until he finally reaches the TerrorWaterTower. After Kiefer checks the inside with his gun drawn, they klimb inside and wait for the Kieferettes. Kiefer also checks Rick's arm and koncludes that Rick isn't mortally wounded -- a big disappointment to many of us. Oh, it's not like we literally want him to die or anything; it's just that we've been waiting so long for him to satisfy our predictions of an early death that it's just getting silly at this point. Like, wouldn't it be great if the very last five minutes of the season finale consisted of Rick choking to death on a plate of ribs at a local bar and grill? No, wait! I've got an even better idea! What if Rick goes to the CBS studios to be interviewed for his role in bringing down the TerrorSquad and he gets his skull crushed by a flying Emeco Naval Chair? Then, I'd know that Joel Surnow was really reading my recaps. So then Kiefer dresses Rick's wounds in this manner that doesn't strike me as homoerotic at all.

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