12:00 PM – 1:00 PM

Episode Report Card
Gustave: B | Grade It Now!

Meanwhile, the Kieferettes are lost. And Spawn is being a total bitch about it. Eerie Saint-Saëns-esque violins start playing. The time is 12:12:02 PM.

GE has a question. Is there anything more astonishing than purple hair? Well, since the birth of punk rock took place over twenty-five years ago, I'd say that there are indeed are many things in existence these days more astonishing than purple hair. But the thing I find most amusing about this commercial in which alterna-boy discovers how "far out" his hair looks under a "Reveal" bulb is that there is this little caption in the lower right-hand corner of the screen that says "re-enactment." Like, oh, thanks, I thought we were watching a documentary or something. And this ad for Touchstone Picture's latest comedy, Sorority Boys, has me breathless with anticipation. Oh sure, cross-dressing has long been a widely traveled genre in Western art, literature, and drama thanks to Shakespeare plays, Bosom Buddies, and the Academy Award-winning Boys Don't Cry, but Sorority Boys offers something new and different to this rich cultural tradition: cross-dressing…but within the context of the brutally hierarchical fraternity/sorority tradition. I don't think cinema -- or 7th Heaven's Barry Watson's career, for that matter -- will ever be the same again.

The time is 12:16:29 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Gaines and FauxYork make their way through the TerrorWoods, Lady Mac is back, and Kiefer plays nursemaid to his Son In Lawlessness. While PMHC waits outside looking concerned, the Palmers sequester themselves in one of the rooms in their hotel suite and discuss their next move. Palmer wants to come clean. Lady Mac says there's no point in throwing away their dream because of something beyond their control. Palmer says the truth will come out anyway. Lady Mac argues that Kreepy Karl and "the people he works for" will "twist the system" to see that it never does. "Don't fight these people," says Lady Mac. "You need power!" You see, Palmer could accomplish so much good if he only left the Ferragamo death alone. Palmer's not so sure about that. Am I crazy, or does Lady Mac look an awful lot like Katie Holmes when she leans in and tries to be all earnest?

Back at the TerrorWaterTower, Kiefer is panicked that the Kieferettes haven't arrived at their meeting place yet. He calls Alberta and tells her to have the CTU tactical units pick him and Rick up at the TerrorWaterTower, but warns her that Bride and Spawn are still missing. Alberta looks sincerely concerned. I hate that! Rick thanks Kiefer for saving his stupid ass. Kiefer is all, "Thank my daughter." Yeah, more like "thank my daughter's vagina." See, now it's time for Kiefer to dispense some wisdom. Rick didn't know what he was in for when he agreed to kidnap Spawn. "You kidnapped my daughter," says Kiefer, using his sand-colored velvety voice of gentle but assertive moral instruction. "You're going to have to live with that." Oh yeah, and something else about getting a second chance only after you've cleaned up your mess in the first place. And with that, Kiefer is back prancing through the forest in search of the womenfolk. He hears a walkie-talkie in the distance, so he stops and hides. Meanwhile, the Kieferettes, who are still trying to figure out where they are, see TerrorMinions in the distance, so they duck into this abandoned Frank Lloyd Wright house.

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