24
2:00 AM – 3:00 AM

Episode Report Card
Gustave: B | Grade It Now!
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The gay sex episode

Opening sequence. This show has been brought to you today by the numbers 2 and 4. And when are they going to release those blips as a single like the theme from Dawson's Creek? They do the "previously on 24" thing, but this time they do it a little differently by printing the characters' names next their images as they show a little of what's going on in their story arc. I guess they want to remind the viewers that Jack Bauer is the name of the lead character, not "Kiefer." Nice try. He's Kiefer, and I will never call him anything else. So anyway, Bride of Kiefer…I mean, Teri Bauer…is trying to find her daughter with Mr. York. Meanwhile, Spawn of Kiefer…I mean, Kim Bauer…is trying to get herself away from the evil frat boys by convincing them that her father is a government agent, while her friend PMMS gets hit with a crowbar while fucked up on roofies. Is it wrong to find that funny every time I see it? Senator David Palmer has a shot at the White House, but someone's gonna take a shot at him. Mandy (no last name given) blows up the plane and hides the I.D. she stole from the photographer on board. Kiefer…I mean, Jack Bauer…gets shot at, cuts off a sniper's thumb, loses his boss, and finds out from Jalapeno Spice that Nina is the "dirty agent." The following takes place between 2:00 AM and 3:00 AM on the day of the California Presidential Primary. (Dissolve.) Events occur in real time. (Dissolve.)

Kiefer drives around while the "Tubular Bells"-ish soundtrack plays. He parks the car in a seedy neighborhood, unwraps the thumb -- ew, I forgot about the thumb -- calls a DNA/fingerprinting lab, gives an authorization code, scans the thumb on the Kiefmobile Kar Scanner, and sends the info via satellite to the lab. How do we know the info is sent via satellite? 'Cause they actually show a satellite in space presumably receiving the information. No, I didn't just make that up. Lab Guy confirms receipt of the print scan, and Kiefer tells him to get back to him when he has a match. The Kiefer Kar Phone rings. It's Bride of Kiefer, telling him that she heard from Spawn and that she's at a party. Kiefer breathes a sigh of relief, until Bride informs him that Spawn didn't tell her where the party is. Bride of Kiefer has reservations too. "She told me that she loved me," says Bride. "That's not [Spawn]!" Yeah, but if she'd told you that your haircut is awesome, that would really mean the shit had hit the fan. Kiefer theorizes that Spawn is simply trying to "reduce the sentence" of her punishment for sneaking out. Bride concurs, and tells Kiefer that Mr. York is about to drive her home. Kiefer wants her to stay near their car, and asks her to put Mr. York on the phone to ask him to stay with her. Mr. York is reluctant to stick around Bad Teen Convertibles for what could be a couple of episodes…I mean, "hours"…but Kiefer insists.

Okay, so I have to apologize here. Last week I misidentified Ira Gaines and TerroristGuy and assumed they were the same person. They aren't. The blond guy who greeted Mandy at the door asking for Belkin's ID was a different person than the blond guy who walked in on Mandy in the bathroom. From now on, Ira Gaines, the guy who greeted Mandy, will be known as TerroristGuy, and the bathroom guy who had plastic surgery to look like the photographer is hereby known as FauxMartin. At 02:05:12, Mandy, TerroristGuy, and MotorcycleChick are having an emergency TerroristStaff meeting while FauxMartin guards the door. TerroristGuy is mad because of MotorcycleChick's last-minute price change. He blames Mandy because it was her idea to bring MotorcycleChick -- who he refers to as "an amateur" -- aboard. MotorcycleChick takes issue with being called an amateur. Ira slams his briefcase really loudly. Mandy is all, "Ira, don't turn this into something else, I will fix it!" She then proceeds to slap MotorcycleChick. Okay, violence in the workplace? So unprofessional! And it makes the company totally vulnerable to a lawsuit. Ira's cell phone rings. He answers it, and tells the unnamed and unseen party on the other end of the line that he doesn't have the I.D. yet but should be able to get the whole thing straightened out momentarily. "Talk to her," says Ira to Mandy, referring to MotorcycleChick. "Tell her what I do!" He exits, slamming the door. Mandy and MotorcycleChick stare at each other really really hard. Someone needs to take a seminar on how to run a successful meeting, because I am seeing a serious lack of communication skills in this organization. I mean, at least when Sars and Wing Chun bitch-slapped me at the last MBTV conference, they apologized later. FauxMartin is cleaning his gun in another room. Ira enters. "I need to get out of here, my friend," says FauxMartin. "It'll just be a little longer," says Ira. FauxMartin cleans his gun some more.

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24

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