5:00 PM – 6:00 PM

Episode Report Card
Gustave: B | Grade It Now!
All about Todd

The time is 5:53:01 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn and Rick pretend to wait for Dan to come home, Kiefer walks around the shopping center, and Lady Mac has a painful moment alone. Jovan Musk for Men arrives at Casa Kiefer and walks around their front lawn with his gun drawn. Whatever. Oh, guess what? There's another good-looking black CTU agent checking the place out as well. He doesn't see Jovan Musk for Men. Listen, HandsomeBlackGuard #2, you're gonna die soon, so I just thought I'd take this opportunity to let you know how handsome we all think you are and how sad it is that your life is being cut short due to terrorism. Meanwhile, Dr. Phil -- who isn't driving a Volvo, but should be -- is driving Bride to Casa Kiefer. Dun dun dun!

Back at The Frat House Of Bad Life Decisions, Dan'sWeaselFacedBrother makes some phone calls about needing "the money" and goes off into a room with Skanky Onassis. Spawn uses this time alone not to run away, mind you, but to plead with Rick to change his ways and get his life back on track. You see, Rick, according to Spawn, has so much potential. "You're smart, you're good-looking, you're funny," she says. Okay, "smart" I can deal with, because everyone -- even Rick -- seems smart to Spawn. "Good-looking"? Well, sure. "Funny"? Uh, since when has Rick ever displayed a sense of humor? When he gave them the gun that didn't work? Dude, Dan was the funny one. "I do the best I can," says Rick. "I didn't grow up like you did." Spawn decides it's time to tell Rick about her friend Todd. Todd was in two foster homes and got a scholarship to Stanford. "Good for Todd," says Rick. "Why don't you go over to his house?" Uh, because it's Paula Poundstone's cocktail hour? Spawn points out that Todd can't help her find her mother. DWFB enters just as Spawn is trying to convince Rick to tell the truth about Dan. "We're going to take that money you made last night and buy some Ecstasy," announces DWFB in front of the Awn-spay. "What happens if Dan doesn't show up?" asks Spawn. "If Dan says he'll be here, he'll be here," says DWFB, exiting the room to go back to whatever he was doing with Skanky Tyler Moore.

Back at the shopping center, Kiefer is starting to feel the pressure. There are a bunch of kids playing in the area. "Get these kids out of here," says Kiefer into the "whatever PA." Nina tells some unseen person to take care of the children. Like, how does one get random kids out of a public place? The mind reels. Nevertheless, the kids seem to disappear. Finally, "Red Cap" arrives. He sits down with Kiefer and asks him for the money. Kiefer makes him go over what he's doing for the money. Apparently, he's going to shut down some power grid for five minutes. Suddenly it occurs to Red Cap that Kiefer doesn't have an accent and probably isn't LittleTerrorBrother. He starts to run. Kiefer chases him. Despite Kiefer's repeated, and shouted, orders to the contrary, Teddy Ruxpin shoots Red Cap in order to "slow him down." The bullet sends Red Cap off of a balcony, and he falls to his death. The screen splits into three. Spawn and Rick stew in their juices, Red Cap internally bleeds to death, and Palmer gives the real Kreepy Karl tape to some Secret Service guys for safekeeping. Oh, and Bride's home. Jovan Musk for Men is waiting for her. And so is HandsomeBlackGuard #2. Or at least he would be, if he weren't lying dead under a tree. The time is 5:59:58…5:59:59…6:00:00 PM.

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