6:00 AM – 7:00 AM

Episode Report Card
Gustave: B+ | Grade It Now!
Rock on, Bride of Kiefer!

A car pulls up at Mulholland and Coldwater. It's some guys from the CTU. "You got here fast," says Bride. "They told us it was urgent!" says a crewcutted CTU agent we've never seen before. Um, Bride? Are you sure these are real CTU agents? Shouldn't you ask to see a badge? Or at least give them a little quiz on their firsthand knowledge of mid-century furniture? The "agents" untie NotYork. Bride starts to protest, claiming that NotYork is dangerous. The other crewcutted agent restrains Bride and puts a black hood over her head. Cue the frantic mandolins. They force her back to their car as the screen splits to reveal Jalapeno crossing out Bride's location on her memo pad and throwing the sheet away. Damn you, Jalapeno! I knew you were too good to be true! And I totally knew these weren't CTU agents. No one in that office has a military haircut. Two of the office extras have dreadlocks, for crying out loud!

Soul Patch approaches Jalapeno's desk. He asks her if he can organize her Rolodex because he's got some downtime and he feels bad doing nothing. BWA HA HA! April Fool's! Okay, here's what really happened. Soul Patch approaches Jalapeno's desk and asks where Nina and Jack are, complaining that he can't find any mention of their plans on his computer. He's also concerned because Nina looked upset about something on her way out the door. Jalapeno suggests that the recent lockdown might have made the system "glitchy." This sounds like a reasonable explanation to Soul Patch, who decides to go back to his desk and back up some important files on his zip drive. No, wait. He doesn't. Fooled you again! He makes Jalapeno give him access to the last ten minutes of footage from the surveillance camera in Kiefer's office. Jalapeno claims he can't authorize something like that. SoulPatch points out that he outranks her and she has to do his bidding. "Send it to my screen," he says. Admit it, Soul Patch! You just want a video of Kiefer and Nina struggling to use as your own private porn. But then so do we. Right? Right?!?!?

At 6:49:10, the TerrorTaurus drives along a stretch of highway, Nina at the wheel and Kiefer in the passenger seat aiming a gun at her. Gaines secretly gives directions through the earpiece. A second TerrorTaurus -- the car from the parking lot? -- follows Kiefer and Nina in order to keep Gaines apprised of their actions. Nina komplains about Kiefer's recent about-face and kwestions him about the truth of any of his klaims within the last seven hours. "Don't make this any harder than it already is," says Kiefer as they almost get into a car accident. "Careful, Kiefer!" says Phlegm Lord. "We need you alive." What you need, Gaines, is a friggin' decongestant. The time is 6:50:23 AM.

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