24
6:00 AM – 7:00 AM

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Gustave: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Rock on, Bride of Kiefer!

The time is 6:54:24 AM. The TerrorTauruses approach some really spooky looking oil wells that look like something from the set of Se7en. We had a Lynchian moment a few minutes ago. Now we're getting an homage to David Fincher. Kiefer has a conversation with Gaines over the earpiece, which makes him look krazy in Nina's eyes because she has no idea about the KieferKonsole. Gaines tells Kiefer to shoot Nina. Kiefer orders her out of the car. She remains seated, demanding an explanation for his behavior. He gets out of the TerrorTaurus, walks over to the passenger side, and physically pulls her out. "What are you going to do? Kill me here?" says Nina as Kiefer bends her facedown over the hood of the TerrorTaurus -- a situation I doubt she's too unfamiliar with, if you catch my Tawny Kitaen-influenced drift. Kiefer explains that it's either her or his family. "Do it, Jack!" rasps Phlegm Lord from the KieferKonsole. "Forgive me, Nina!" gasps Kiefer. He pulls her to a precipice by the collar of her jacket -- important detail alert, number two -- and shoots her four times in the chest. She falls ten feet down or so to the ground below, where she lies motionless. Satisfied with the death of Nina, Phlegm Lord orders Kiefer back into the TerrorTaurus. He drives away, stunned at what he just did. Or what we think he just did. The time is 6:57:48 AM.

Rick and Spawn have made it to a cyclone fence, where they are, um, digging their way to freedom. Seriously. Rick is digging again for some reason, and I'm wondering if the reemergence of the "love shovel" is supposed to be an important detail or motif. Just as they're about to slip under the fence to freedom, Spawn hears screams. They look up just in time to see HoodedBride being escorted into the TerrorKompound. I don't know what it is about Bride in that hood -- maybe it reminds me of that Taliban Oppressing Women documentary they're always rerunning on CNN -- but it sure is freaky scary. Spawn decides -- get this! -- to stay behind at the TerrorKompound and help her mother out. Um, Spawn? I think you'd be more helpful to your mother if you got your stupid teen ass out of there and called the authorities. At least Rick has the sense to run away and call the authorities himself. Oh, wait. He doesn't. He decides to stay at Spawn's side. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Jeez, if these two reproduce, they are going to conceive the stupidest child alive! You know how you can't score under 200 on the SATs? When this child reaches his junior year of high school -- at the age of thirty, mind you -- he will be the first. Mark my words! Spawn goes back to the TerrorBroomKloset before anyone notices her missing. Rick joins her. Stupid Spawn! Stupid Rick! Stupid stupid stupid couple!

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24

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