8:00 AM – 9:00 AM

Episode Report Card
Gustave: B+ | Grade It Now!
Sliced Jalapeno

Back at the TerrorKompound, FuManchuTerrorMinion and Eli, the original Gun-Wielding Minion, lead Bride and Spawn back to the hay-filled Stable Of Sensuality since Gaines suspended their executions just moments before. The Kieferettes are still crying hysterically, and they collapse into each other's arms atop a bale of Playboy Mansion hay. Thanks to all that roughing-up they just received from their captors, Bride and Spawn are both sweaty, panting, and showing lots of skin. Eli stares at the ladies menacingly. He stares at the ladies menacingly some more. Oh, this doesn't look good. At all.

Power Plant. A limo comes to pick up Palmer. The Secret Service escorts him and Lady MacPalmer inside. The limo takes off. Meanwhile, back inside, Kiefer is brought into a cream-colored room by Intense Black Secret Service Guy, cuffed to a support beam, and brought before another Secret Service bigwig. Kiefer tries to get around procedure by explaining that he was acting under other orders. "I had to create a scene to get Palmer out of the room," says Kiefer. Secret Service Bigwig, a Poor Man's Scott Glenn, asks him why he didn't alert the Secret Service instead. "I'm working under a restrictive mandate," says Kiefer. PMSG tells him to "kut the krap," and informs him that Soul Patch tipped them off. Kiefer tells them that "time is running out," as the real Palmer assassin -- a photographer -- is out there, and Palmer's life is still in danger. Intense Black Secret Service guy and PMSG want so badly to believe the Kiefer -- that velvety bedroom whisper roughened by genuine urgency wears at their resistance -- but they have procedure to follow. PMSG calls Palmer's security people and asks for a list of photographers cleared by security that day. Kiefer sits down, frustrated and impatient.

And speaking of people cuffed inside temporary office spaces, Jalapeno Spice is still kuffed to a big desk in the archives room at CTU while Newly Appointed Employee Of The Hour Soul Patch and Nina try to get her to give them more information about the guy she's working for. "They call him Gaines," says Jalapeno, looking terribly sad and defeated. At the sound of Gaines's name, Nina gives an ambiguous look that could be recognition or complete confusion. Jalapeno, instead of giving Gaines's location to Nina and Soul Patch, tries once more to explain her side of the story, claiming that she needed the money and that she didn't think anyone would get hurt. Nina asks her if she's responsible for giving Gaines access to their security cameras, and Jalapeno nods, ashamed. Jalapeno tries to redeem herself a bit by kutting Gaines's video feed so that Nina can go back to work out on the floor. "I know what to say to him," says Jalapeno when Soul Patch asks if Gaines will get suspicious when the video goes down.

Back at the TerrorKompound, the KieferKonsole is down and the screens are black. Gaines is having a phlegm-tastic temper tantrum over it. Does he have a regular IT guy on call? Of course not. Who is naïve enough to think they're going to tap into the security systems of a hospital, a CIA branch, and a power plant via satellite and never have any tech problems? Feh! His phone rings. It's KuffedJalapeno on the right side of the screen, calling to tell him that Milo almost discovered Gaines's entry point to the CTU surveillance system, and that she had to cut Gaines off to prevent Milo from figuring everything out. Gaines is unmoved by Jalapeno's kwick thinking, and keeps krying out for Kiefer's inkarceration lokation. "I need him now and if that's not going to happen, I will move on," says a lovelorn Gaines. Jalapeno tries to kalm him down while Nina changes her shirt and Soul Patch watches. I'd snark on her a bit more for doing this, but seeing as how Kiefer's given us torso twice and Faux-tog has showed us his briefs, I think the heterosexual male viewers have earned some skin. Come to think of it, the last treat they got, aside from some Spawn boob, was Mandy kissing her girlfriend goodbye. Nina puts on some tight knit pants, too -- although we don't get to see that, because she does it behind a waist-high piece of office equipment -- and hits the floor to go look Gaines up on her computer. On her way to her desk, Milo, who is the new odds-on favorite for The Gladys Kravitz Award For Achievement In Soul Patching, demands to know where Nina has been, when he can start working on the real keycard, and what's the 411 on the Palmer assassination scare he just saw on television. Nina, feeling superior in her new klean klothes, tells him to forget about the keycard, and that he has Jalapeno's job now for reasons she can't go into presently. "If I'm going to run an entire department, I want a bump in pay," says Milo to Nina through the pierced aluminum wall divider. "Don't worry, Milo," says Nina, sitting down at her own faux-Eames Management Chair. "You'll be taken care of." I guess they're trying to show us that the Jalapenos and Milos of this world are used to working on an empty promise of future rewards that may never come to pass. Milo gets comfortable in his new faux-Eames Management Chair, the place where Jalapeno's tiny but shapely rear end once called home. Say hasta la vista to your Selena screensaver, KuffedSpice!

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