9:00 PM – 10:00 PM

Episode Report Card
Gustave: B | Grade It Now!
Serfin' USA

Apparently, while Lady Mac was procuring a bed warmer for her husband, Xander was calling Chappelle from the Kiefer Kube to have him authorize the trade, and since it happened off-camera, no one has to pay Paul Schulze to act this week. Nina enters the Kiefer Kube to ask what Chappelle said. According to Xander, there will be no trade. Drazen's escape is too embarrassing for CTU. A trade like that would be a konfirmation of the government konspiracy to keep Drazen alive and in kustody. "So they're just going to sacrifice Jack?" whines Nina. "He's like all the rest of us," says Xander. "Expendable." Nina argues that the trade will enable CTU to find Drazen. Xander explains that the plan is to let Drazen return quietly to his own country. "They don't want to draw attention to the situation," says Xander. "End of story." Nina exits in a Kiefer-inspired huff and enters the Konfrontational Koffee room, where Bride is drinking…koffee. "Shouldn't Spawn be here by now?" asks Bride. Okay, it's not like we don't already know that she was re-kidnapped, but jeez, Bride -- chill. It's called L.A. traffic. You'd know all about that -- and airplane food -- if you ever watched one of those showcases on Comedy Central. Nina assures Bride that Spawn is fine, but Kiefer isn't. She tells Bride about Kiefer being held hostage and how Xander won't go ahead with the trade. "How are they going to get Kiefer back?" asks Bride. "They're not," says Nina. The time is 9:11:10 PM.

An ex-husband of Jennifer Lopez is stalking her, and there's nothing the law can do about it. Wow, I wonder if she'll be able to become all empowered and fight him back before he kills her! It's worth ten dollars to me to find out how she makes out. Because I've never seen a movie before or anything.

The time is 9:15:35 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn is still gagged, there's an empty steamy interior that we've never seen before, and Bride is in the throes of a Kiefer-related meltdown. A hooded Kiefer is escorted into what looks like someone's secret basement apartment. Who knows? Maybe it's a stop on the underground railroad…for Serbian terrorists. Harriet Tubman…I mean, "Dennis Hopper" points to a niche in the brick wall where Kiefer should be placed. A TerrorMinion rips off his hood…you know, just in case Kiefer should want to witness something important before he dies, because it's not like he's going to survive this episode or anything. TerrorHopper is reunited with an old friend -- a middle-aged Slavic man wearing a navy blue suit. They hug Eastern Euro style while balalaikas play in the background. While Kiefer writhes in pain, Ivan Gueststarov introduces TerrorHopper to his daughter Milla. Milla Gueststarovna is barefoot and wears an off-the-shoulder peasant blouse and an apron. Apparently, when they brought her over from Eastern Europe, they just pulled her ass out of the potato fields, rushed her through customs, and shoved her into this basement without letting her buy a new top at Banana Republic on the way or anything. TerrorHopper kisses Milla and remarks that she's just as beautiful as her mother. The camera pans the apartment to reveal various high-tech equipment and lots of Soviet Empire-style home furnishings circa 1962. TerrorHopper offers Kiefer "somezing to eet." Kiefer says no. The menfolk eat and drink while Milla serves them. That's right. Not only are they terrorists, but they're sexists too. If only Milla had access to an undergraduate Voomen's Studies course. It would totally open the potato pirogue that is her unenlightened mind.

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