24
Day 2: 3:00 AM – 4:00 AM

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Chip of Fools

Due to some graphic violence, viewer discretion is advised. And Kiefer's still naked. Beep beep beep beep beep. 24. Previouslys. Oh Palmer, why are you saying no, girl? Why'd you have to get me all excited wearing that push-up bra, dancing up close to me, and saying tonight might be the night? You're nothing but a tease. And you know you want it, girl. You've just been reading too much Andrea Dworkin and hanging out with those friends of yours from the women's center. Didn't I buy you that hair clip from Strawberry that you said you liked? Didn't I buy you that Vanessa Carlton CD because it had our song on it? I even took you to Olive Garden, and not only did you get the unlimited soup and breadsticks. but I let you order two Diet Cokes and dessert without blinking. Why you changing your mind, bitch? Oh, and I'm locking your friend Rolaide in a closet. Otherwise, Kiefer gets a hold of the evidence he needs to prove the Cyprus recording is a forgery but the EvilOilMan's henchmen get a hold of him. Meanwhile, PoorMan'sArmandAssante and Cate get sandblasted. Kiefer is dead. Yeah, right.

Doc In The Box. As various Middle-Eastern-looking men are trickling in for medical help -- presumably due to widespread anti-Arab violence in the wake of the B-O-M-B -- José (or Luis or Slam) emerges from the torture room in search of epinephrine. Raise your hand if you -- like me -- keep forgetting that the torture of Kiefer has all been taking place in a spare room at an Urgent Care Center. Isn't someone going to need the room at some point? "Excuse me…oh, you're torturing someone. I'll be back later when you're finished." Doc In The Box enters with a bloody victim and asks José what he's doing there. José coldly shoots the bloody victim and grabs Doc In The Box, making him take him to the storage room for the desired epinephrine. What a wacky hospital…I mean, "Urgent Care Center." Meanwhile, in the actual torture room, TeutonicTortureDude is trying to revive Kiefer with a pair of defibrillator paddles. The phone rings. It's EvilChrisElliott, calling from an opulent apartment while some Eurasian girl with the body of a toilet brush is giving him the sort of soothing caresses that evil men on television are always getting. Jeez, EvilChrisElliott. A watched pot never boils. TeutonicTortureDude tells Luis (or Slam) to take the call since he's busy reviving Kiefer. Luis tells EvilChrisElliott that Kiefer is "flatlining" due to the fact that TeutonicTortureDude went a little too far. Wow, that "Young Gun" sure is one "Lost Boy." I mean, this is no "Time To Kill," right? If I were that guy, I'd get on a "Freeway" and haul ass to some place far away like, uh, "Truth or Consequences, N.M." "Whatever he broke, he better fix," says EvilChrisElliott. He tells Luis to take care of the damage control himself.

They hang up, and José arrives with Doc In The Box and the epinephrine. Luis takes out a gun, holds it to Doc In The Box's head, and tells him to revive Kiefer or die. They move Kiefer to a gurney while Doc In The Box fills a syringe with epinephrine. Kiefer is still naked, so we see a little thigh. Doc In The Box jams the syringe into Kiefer's sternum and applies some more paddle action. Nothing happens. TeutonicTortureDude is all, "Hit him again!" Doc In The Box doesn't think Kiefer is going to make it. They wave guns at him some more. The paddles are applied again. The monitor detects a rhythm. Kiefer is revived. Everyone is relieved…especially the executives at Fox. "What did EvilChrisElliott say?" asks TeutonicTortureDude. "He said I just got promoted," says Luis, shooting TTD in the head. Now let this be a lesson to all of you. If someone offers you a job working for a guy who wants to start a war in order to profit from oil reserves, he probably isn't a good boss; he won't be fostering a healthy working environment and there won't be any job security. "You thought death would save you," says Luis to Kiefer, who is opening his eyes and gasping for air. "You're not going to die until I kill you myself."

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