Hey, it's me, Kiefer. And if I were one of those fame whores, I'd totally mention that I was featured in People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" issue earlier this month. Okay, I'm not the sexiest man alive -- this year anyway -- but I'm featured in the issue as one of those "other sexiest men" who weren't quite as sexy as Ben Affleck. Whatever. And then they have all of the "sexiest elderly doctor guy" or "sexiest fat guy" or "sexiest black guy" photos in the back of the piece, but I'm further up front with the other sexy guys like Tom Cruise and Hugh Grant. In fact, I'm not too far behind George Clooney. Not that I noticed or anything. My publicist just told me that. Anyway, I totally don't even know why I brought it up. I hate talking about this kind of thing. What was I going to say? Oh, yeah. There's this rumor I just wanted to address. Apparently there's been talk of me being out of control and drinking too much. How, if I were a fame whore like Whitney Houston, I'd go on Diane Sawyer and apologize to my fans for being a crackhead. But I'm not, so I'll just say this. I'm not an alcoholic, but being this genetically talented, sexy, and charismatic is such a burden that I must drink to dull the pain.
Previouslys. Papa Crew is in trouble with the feds. Soul Patch brings everyone into CTU for questioning except Cate, who stays behind to dig though her father's personal files. Jack and Nina go to Visalia to capture Mamud Faheen. Nina steals a gift card. Everyone is looking for Ron Weiland, the nosy reporter who Palmer sequestered. Lady Mac is valuable to Palmer, but no one else in the office wants her around. Crazy Laura is found in the trunk of DaddyStopTouchingMe's car, which just happens to be Spawn, Miguel, and JonBenet's escape vehicle.
Along to road to Aunt Carol's house, the blue Lexus is still parked by the side of the highway while more police officers arrive on the scene. JonBenet is being babysat by some back-up officers, and Spawn and Enricky are answering questions about the body in the trunk of their car…a car that isn't theirs. Spawn is stunned by the remembered sight of Crazy Laura's body still fresh in her mind, and admits to the police officer that they weren't given permission to use the car. Enricky tries to explain that they were trying to get JonBenet away from her abusive father, and that it was said abusive father who killed Crazy Laura and stashed her in the trunk. The policeman with tonight's speaking part asks the TeenTwosome why they didn't go to the police instead of letting the police find them twenty miles outside of L.A. The TeenTwosome can't answer, because then they'll have to admit that they know about B-O-M-B. PolicemanWithSpeakingPart cuffs them and reads them their rights. JonBenet just looks off into the distance like she's one of those dustbowl kids in a Dorothea Lange photograph published in Life Magazine in the 1930s.
CTU. Soul Patch and some armed agents escort Papa Crew, Reza and PoorMan'sReneeZellweger into CTU building, which -- hate to keep flogging a dead horse here -- was just bombed that morning. PoorMan'sReneeZellweger actually earns from respect for me by asking Soul Patch if the building is safe enough to hang out in. However, she still annoys with the self-righteous Kelly Taylor purse clutch going on -- like she just started working in a charity day care center yesterday and already she disapproves of the entire staff. Soul Patch warns them to stay away from the cordoned-off areas. Papa Crew is all, "This is the building that was bombed this morning." Yes, yes, yes. It's all true. Soul Patch runs into Bitchelle, and their faces light up so much at the sight of each other, you'd think they were Omar Sharif and Julie Christie. "Got the rooms ready?" asks Soul Patch. "They're pretty messed up," says Bitchelle. "But they're good enough for interrogation." If they're as "messed up" as the room they just interrogated Nina in, you could perform surgery inside them. Oh, and it's time for Bitchelle to update the casualty list too -- thirty dead and seventeen in critical condition. "What about Darlene?" asks Soul Patch. Bitchelle says nothing. Soul Patch understands what her silence means, and asks her to take the Chez Crew crew to their rooms. Papa Crew asks to speak to Soul Patch "alone." Wasn't that what Soul Patch was just doing a few "minutes" ago back at Chez Crew? Soul Patch tells Papa Crew that he'll be right with him. Mason enters and asks Soul Patch what's up. Soul Patch tells Mason that since both Reza and Papa Crew are contradicting each other, there's definitely a connection between them and Syed Ali. "Just tell me how hard I can push them," says Soul Patch. No comment. Mason tells Soul Patch to go krazy.