24
Day 2: 5:00 AM – 6:00 AM

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Through the roof!

My name is Kiefer Sutherland, and I am on a mission to find my pants. Oh, wait. There they are. Down around my ankles. Gotta give Little Kiefer some air, know what I'm saying? It's just that with Soul Patch being one of People's Most Beautiful and me not being mentioned at all -- even though I was one of the sexiest men alive earlier this winter, thank you very much -- I just thought I'd show my fans in England what really snags me the ladies. None of this "Fox Network everything but…" shit.

No warning this week. 24. Previouslys. Palmer is brought before his cabinet. They invoke the 25th Amendment and remove him from the White House. PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig is sworn in as President. Soul Patch clashes with Chappelle, who is in cahoots with PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig. Spawn is on her way to NoDaddyNo Manor to get her things. The chip is broken, but the hacker who created it lives nearby, so Kiefer goes over to check him out and finds Lady Mac looking for him as well…and sporting a sleek new ponytail. The following takes place between 5:00 AM and 6:00 AM.

Hewitt's loft. I just love how these "beautiful mind" computer hackers who don't have the organizational skills necessary to comb their hair, tuck in their shirts, or bathe are somehow adept at finding a raw industrial loft space with Southern exposure, installing bathroom and kitchen appliances and fashioning it into a shabby chic apartment that's fit to be photographed by Metropolitan Home. Even ransacked, this place is dreamy. So while Kiefer hides behind some exposed support beams that have been fashioned into open air shelving, Lady Mac and a henchman look around for Hewitt.

Back at the White House, PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig is being briefed by some military guy, who informs him that the delay of the bombers hasn't ruined the "element of surprise." Like, how, pray tell, would a forty-five-minute "heads-up" help the Middle East at this point? Would they all be putting bomb-proof tarp on their roofs otherwise? "Then we can proceed with the attack as we originally planned," says PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig. "Yes, Mr. President," says the military guy. If you look really closely, you can detect PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig raising his eyebrows at that last remark as if to say, "The power-mad hawk in me likes the sound of that!" An orchestra plays a low foreboding tune as PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig exits the room, past an animated map of the world with the bombers shown nearing their targets.

Meanwhile, in Palmer's holding cell, which -- seriously -- looks like the VIP dressing room for the London Gucci store designed a couple of years ago by Peter Merino, PoorMan'sHumeCronyn enters with a henchman who's dressed like a flight attendant and asks Palmer for his key codes. "How much longer is PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig going to detain me?" asks Palmer. "Until after the press conference," says PMHC, referring to the announcement that PMAH will make about the U.S. response the B-O-M-B. You see, I was wondering last week why they detained Palmer since they hadn't formally charged him with anything. I mean, it's one thing to invoke the 25th Amendment to remove the President from office, but it's another thing entirely to imprison him. He should be free to leave, and you'd think Palmer would have enough grasp of constitutional law to have pointed that out a few minutes ago. But then it all makes sense, when you think about it. I mean, the Fox Network had the power to "detain" Evan Marriott and all of the Joe Hos until they broadcast Joe Millionaire, right? I guess this is the same thing. And come to think of it, put PMHC in a butler uniform and give him an Australian accent and…no, even I can't even go there right now. "Your key codes belong to PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig now," says PMHC. "Well, then tell PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig to march his white ass over here and get them himself, because they don't belong to you, Nodick!" says Palmer…in my dreams. Instead, Palmer scrunches up his mouth like a child who doesn't want to eat his strained peas and puts a leather wallet down on the diffused glass coffee table with a light box inside. PMHC's Airline Steward escort takes a card with the Presidential seal out of the wallet and places it into some sort of mini drive that he has in his pocket. Either this is to verify it or to remove its "code," I'm not sure which. PMHC makes a wistful face, and he and his henchmen exit. Palmer and SecretServiceAgentwithSpeakingPart make meaningful eye contact for a moment until Palmer turns to face a steel and Plexiglas shelving unit and reflect on the day's events. By the way? A few of you emailed me to tell me that SecretServiceAgentwithSpeakingPart is actually Palmer's Secret Service Agent from last season -- Agent Pierce. You are all correct. My mistake. He's played by the same actor and everything.

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24

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