24
Day 2: 7:00 AM – 8:00 AM

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Conspiracy? What conspiracy?

And now, for my last recap of the year, I'd like to thank all of my readers -- some of whom are quite funny themselves and either provided me with nicknames, ideas, or simply the competitive anxiety necessary to bring the funny week after week. I'd like to thank my fellow recappers at TWoP for setting the standard of excellence. I'd also like to thank Cindy from Hawaii for all the Amazon loot -- especially my new blue Fiestaware fruit bowl -- and, last but not least, Sars, for all the commas and late-night phone calls. ["My pleasure. But don't you mean 'kommas'?" -- Sars]

Blip blip blip blip blip blip blip blip. 24. Previouslys. Soul Patch and Bitchelle are detained for "pumping" Chappelle. Full of very fast-acting drugs, that is. Cate picks up Spawn at NoDaddyNo Manor, and must get beyond Spawn's newly acquired posttraumatic stress disorder. Palmer gets a lawyer. Kiefer has Lady Mac arrange a meeting with EvilChrisElliott using Hightops as bait. On their way there, Kiefer has another heart attack and loses control of the Kiefmobile.

Thunder Road. Post-accident. Atmospheric music plays, complete with synthesized "rattlesnake rattles" and Native American wind instruments, because they are in the desert. Well, the urban desert, anyway. Kiefer is fine. Lady Mac is fine. Thank you, airbags. Unfortunately, the Kiefmobile won't start and Kiefer's seatbelt is jammed. Lady Mac seizes the opportunity to pull a Julia Roberts. She gets out of the passenger side door and reaches into the backseat for her bag. "I'm sorry, Kiefer," says Lady Mac. "But I have to take care of myself. When I'm free, I'll call an ambulance." Now, I don't know about you, but if all that's separating me from Kiefer's velvety wrath is a faulty seatbelt, I'd save the speeches and run my ass off, but Lady Mac's got a monologue to deliver about the world being much more than "good and bad" and how things can be more "complicated" than the Palmers and Kiefers of this world can grasp. "No, it's simple," says Kiefer. "There's a war about to start and you're the only one who can stop it!" Okay, now how many people has Kiefer delivered a variation of this line to? How many characters have now been "the only one" who can stop either this war or the B-O-M-B? Without going back to my tapes for an accurate count, I'm just going to take a wild guess and say "twenty-four." Nevertheless, Lady Mac turns to walk -- not run -- away again, but she can't very far because the Sutherland velvet keeps pulling her back for more. "What about the President?" roars Kiefer. "He turned me away!" says Lady Mac, itemizing the years and sacrifices she put into their marriage…a marriage that Palmer ended. "Eventually they will connect you to this conspiracy," says Kiefer, struggling with his seatbelt. "The B-O-M-B was not supposed to go off," says Lady Mac, her voice breaking. "None of this was supposed to happen this way." Lady Mac? Run! Kiefer assures her, still struggling with the seatbelt, that he knows she is innocent, and if she helps him get EvilChrisElliott, her ex-husband will get his presidency back. That, by the way, is a weird thing to promise her, since she's just admitted to having vengeful feelings toward Palmer. She runs away again, but again fails to get past the Sutherland velvet. "What do you want me to do?" she asks, surrendering. Kiefer tells her to get a knife out of the glove compartment and cut him out of the seatbelt. Um, wouldn't the glove compartment be within Kiefer's reach? Wouldn't it have made more sense to have the knife be in the trunk?

Back at Division. Is this still Division? Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle goes the "time is running out" piano concerto. PoorMan'sHumeCronyn is going over war plans with two suited extras. Palmer's suit-wearing lawyer knocks on the glass. PMHC tells him that they're busy. SuitWearingLawyer insists. PMHC dismisses the two suited extras so they can speak privately. SuitWearingLawyer hands PMHC a flash file on EvilChrisElliott. Apparently, ECE made several phone calls to Jonathan Wallace, a.k.a. SeventhCoralSnake. Excuse me? All we needed to connect EvilChrisElliott to the B-O-M-B were phone records? "I know who Wallace is," says PMHC, having a revelatory moment. But we all know PMHC isn't going to do anything about this, because he's part of that whole conspiracy to remove Palmer, right?

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