24
Day 2: 9:00 AM – 10:00 AM

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Kiefer Underkover

Man, was it hard to write my recap this week. The trouble started when I read Alex Richmond's brilliant 7th Heaven guest recap. I vowed that I would work as good a line as "sorry to bust your groove, Willa Cather!" in to my recap this week, but the magic just wasn't there for me. From that point on, my confidence was shot. Damn you to hell, Alex Richmond!

A few shots of electric blue Kiefer. The 24 logo. Previouslys. Terrorists have planted a nuclear device in L.A., and KreepyEric keeps second-guessing Palmer like LadyMac used to. PoorMan'sReneeZellweger is about to marry FarsiBoy, but her sister PoorMan'sCateBlanchett suspects that he's a terrorist. Kim is a nanny for the family from hell. Lifetime movie hell, that is. Kiefer left CTU, but they pulled him back in. "I'm going to need a hacksaw." The following takes place between 9:00 AM and 10:00 AM.

Northwest Regional Operations Complex. Exterior shot of a military jeep entering the complex. Inside, Lynne and President Palmer are discussing what federal agencies can be entrusted with information regarding the nuclear device. Lynne, by the way, is sitting on a Mies Van Der Rohe Barcelona Chair. Um, hello? Could this be anymore of a shout-out to me? Not only is this chair available at DWR, but it is listed in my TWoP Bio as my favorite chair. Lynne and Palmer discuss aspects of the terrorist threat, but I'm not paying attention. I'm just wondering how Lynne's butt feels in that Barcelona Chair with matching ottoman. Actually, I know how it feels. It feels divine. I went to ABC Carpet last month and sat in one. Nicole Kidman is leaning on the back of one in this month's issue of Vanity Fair. I'm a trendsetter, goddammit!

Oh, speaking of terrorist threats, we now cut to Mohammed Abu Shimal Shaka Zulu, or whatever his name is. He and his terrorist cell are loading something (the bomb, I assume) into a van. A garage door opens, and the van cruises out. The logo on the van reads, "America Delivery." Geddit?

Meanwhile, at I'llGiveYouSomethingToCryAbout Manor, just moments after last week's smackdown of JonBenet, DaddyStopTouchingMe is on the phone with the company he works for, grasping feverishly for an excuse for why he's not in the office. Um, what does DaddyStopTouchingMe do? Work the register at Kinko's? You'd think that a guy who lived in a home as palatial as his would either own the damn company already or at least have an assistant in his employ who'd cover for him. Meanwhile, Spawn and JonBenet, who are still in crash position on the floor, are exchanging conspiratorial glances at each other. Spawn gestures with her immaculate manicure toward the bedroom door, and the two of them scamper quietly out of there while DaddyStopTouchingMe is distracted by his phone conversation. As they run down the stairs of this frickin' gorgeous cream-colored home, Crazy Laura tosses Spawn her car keys and tells her to get JonBenet away to safety. Uh, where are they supposed to go? DaddyStopTouchingMe realizes that the gals are leaving the building, and runs after them past Crazy Laura, who is crying really, really hard. Spawn gets into a -- you guessed it! -- Ford minivan and drives away, despite DaddyStopTouchingMe's attempts to stop her. He even threatens to kill her. Oh, and through all of this, JonBenet actually has her seatbelt fastened. DaddyStopTouchingMe whips out his cell phone and calls his car security company to find out the exact location of his car. Ooooh! It looked for a mere second like DaddyStopTouchingMe was hooked up with some terrorists or something with the way he was reciting those numbers. Nah, just LoJack.

And speaking of LowJack, the time is 09:04:53 AM. Nina 2.0 and Kiefer are cruising L.A. in a CTU helicopter, which is making its way toward a salvage yard where plot device…I mean, "potential terrorist" Wald is based. Uh, wasn't Kiefer just shaving five minutes ago? How'd he get into the air so fast? Nina 2.0 briefs Kief about the salvage yard where Wald hangs out and the location of the car that will be waiting for him. "There's a tracker in the trunk," says Nina 2.0, handing him the keys. Kiefer asks about Wald's posse. Nina 2.0 whips out her laptop and starts showing him .jpegs of various -- really cute, incidentally -- terrorists who hang with Wald. Kiefer has never seen these men before. Oh, wait -- Kiefer does recognize Eddie Grant, one of Wald's most important "go to" guys. Hey I recognize the name Eddie Grant. He sang that song "Electric Avenue" back in 1982. I remember this party I went to when I was in junior high where the host had just purchased the single. Turned out it was the only recording of music he owned so we spent the entire evening listening to "Electric Avenue" over and over again. Well, sometimes we took a break and flipped it over to the instrumental version on the B side. It was a good song…but not that good. To this day, whenever I hear see the video on some VH1 tribute to one-hit wonders, I can still vividly taste the Cheetos and Orange Crush on my breath. Anyway, Kiefer klaims that Eddie and he were friends back when he was undercover. The mission is starting to look promising after all. Kiefer gazes through his sunglasses at the ground below him thoughtfully. Anthemic music plays.

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