24
Day 3: 1:00 PM – 2:00 PM

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The Velveteen Habit

So how'd you like the new season of Joe Millionaire and those "Yer-O-Pee-An" women who are fighting over him? Makes you miss American Idol, non?

So there's this new "electric blue Kiefer" promo for the return of 24. In honor of this season's Latin-American theme, the promo consists of a muy picante series of images of Kiefer edited together against a throbbing salsa beat. But before we can go to our regularly scheduled season premiere, we have to sit through a short film brought to you by Ford called "The Donation." You see, Ford's providing us with another commercial-free hour, and this year they've dispensed with that really long commercial in favor of their own poor man's version of those BMW shorts.

First there's a shot of this Ford pickup truck entering the "Bauer" residence, which looks absolutely nothing like Kasa Kiefer or Kiefer's bachelor pad from Season Two. It's obviously filmed on bad stock, but they've tried to make it look more professional by putting colored filters over the lens of the camera. The AM/FM radio -- standard -- is announcing the closing of a pediatric hospital due to a budget deficit. That will be important later on, people. "Kiefer" gets out of his pickup truck -- we can't see his face -- and enters his home. Another car pulls up into his driveway, and some "terrorists" spy on him with binoculars. These, by the way, look like the kind of terrorists that are cast in Phil Collins videos. Kiefer is seen in shadowed profile going through his mail when notices a figure running by through the window. More "terrorists" break into Casa Kiefer and put a bag over his head so we can't see his face and take him down to the basement, where they interrogate him with that bag still over his head. So then this lead terrorist guy, who looks like Giles from Buffy but with bad skin and Ricardo Montalban's accent, is all, "So we finally meet, Mr. Bauer!" like it's a bad James Bond film. Underneath the hood, "Kiefer" kries -- in a very non-velvety voice -- that he's konfused about his kapture. Are you seeing this plot twist coming a mile away yet? The terrorists are amused by Kiefer's klaims, and explain that he's got to deliver some cash to someone, somewhere. They inject a subcutaneous homing device into his wrist, put the suitcase full of cash into his truck, and tell him to get the suitcase into someone's hands in one hour. Meanwhile they're following him in a helicopter to make sure he really delivers the cash. If they have helicopters, can't they just deliver the cash themselves? Never mind. The terrorists wonder what "Kiefer" is up to as he drags a fallen tree out of the way with his Ford Truck. They marvel at his ability to drive off-road as he avoids a police roadblock. They even worry that they've lost "Kiefer" as "Kiefer" drives through sand, swamp, and dirt. Finally he gets back on the main road. Just as Ricardo Montalban kalls to kongratulate Kiefer on reaching his destination, the Terror Underlings notice that the real Jack Bauer is in the House Of Commons in London, accepting an award for his role in bringing some terrorists to justice. To be continued…

Kiefer thanks Ford for the commercial-free hour…and for that schlocky intro that makes the actual show look better in comparison. 24. Blip blip blip blip blip blip. Previouslys. Palmer goes down after shaking Mandy's hand with the fruit roll-up of death glove on it. Not that they show Mandy, mind you, and pay her for technically appearing in this episode. It's three years later. The following takes place between 1:00 PM and 2:00 PM.

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24

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