Day 3: 10:00 AM – 11:00 AM

Episode Report Card
M. Giant: B- | Grade It Now!
Guardian Angel

10:08:28. Kiefer drives a big black Kiefmobile -- this one a Ford, because Kiefer's using it to Do The Right Thing -- while getting location updates on the phone from Adam. Adam sends Kiefer to the intersection of Hill and Vine, two streets which don't intersect as far as I can tell, but Kiefer's on the case. Adam rattles off a few more street names that I don't feel like looking up any more. Dammit, he lost me!

In the Patchmobile, Spawnders confronts Soul Patch. Under her relentless interrogation, he cracks and reveals that he's bringing her back to her father and why. Let's hope he never gets caught and questioned by an actual terrorist. Spawnders isn't too pleased, but she manages not to freak out. She asks Soul Patch how he knows Saunders won't kill Bitchelle anyway, and Soul Patch says he doesn't have a choice. For a moment, the enormity of his situation seems to overwhelm him, and he sort of checks out for a few seconds. Bad timing, because that's when the Big Black Kiefmobile appears and, in a confusing bit of vehicular choreography, drives him off the road and into a photogenically arranged line of metal garbage cans. Kiefer's immediately out of his truck, gun in hand, pointing it at Soul Patch and ordering him to put his own gun on the dash. Kiefer kicks an overturned trash can aside as he moves closer, in case you thought he wasn't serious. Soul Patch looks completely beaten down, and he complies, as he does with Kiefer's order to step out of his SUV. Kiefer secures both their weapons as he reassures Spawnders that everything's going to be fine. Spawnders looks like she doesn't know who to root for. Soul Patch spills about Bitchelle and Saunders and the trade and all that, which of course Kiefer already knows, but he "can't let that happen." Soul Patch argues that he already almost lost Bitchelle once today, and he's not going to lose her again. Kiefer understands; he's been there. Soul Patch points out that Kiefer himself set the precedent of going all lone wolf when this happens, and Kiefer says it's different now because millions of lives are at stake. Soul Patch snaps, "Oh, rules apply to other people but not to you, right, Kiefer?" He's just now getting that? Maybe we should call him Slow Patch. He tries to bargain with Kiefer, offering to turn himself in if Kiefer just helps him make the trade, but Kiefer isn't having it. He assures Soul Patch that Bitchelle doesn't have to die; they'll string Saunders along to lure him into the open, where Special Agent Charlie Brown's strike team can take him down. Soul Patch freaks at the very idea, but Kiefer tells him Saunders won't know they're there. I assume he means he won't know before they nab his Eurotrash ass, because it's going to be tough to question him afterwards without giving up the game. Kiefer deploys the velvet until Soul Patch realizes he's got no choice but to work with Kiefer. He tells Kiefer about the fictitious intersection he has to be at in five minutes. Kiefer gazes at him lovingly, thanks him, puts a hand on his shoulder, and tells him he's doing the right thing. Kiefer hops into the back of the Patchmobile. I always knew those two would end up together. It's 10:12:01.

10:16:14. Bitchelle schemes, a map of Los Angeles has broken out in boils, and Soul Patch drives. The map is displayed on a wall-sized monitor at Division, where Brother Palmer is explaining to Palmer that the red circles on the map indicate quarantine zones. That's unfortunate symbolism. Brother Palmer thinks that the V-I-R-U-S has been contained. Oh, hell no. We went through all that nonsense with Ill Bill for nothing? I want to see some widespread chaos, dammit! But alas, it's not to be. I'm hereby downgrading the V-I-R-U-S to the virus. And not just because it's easier to type. The next order of business is that Brother Palmer wants to release a statement before the media beats up Poor Man's Scott McClellan and takes his lunch money. Palmer points out that he already has issued a statement: public transportation is closed down, people should stay home, and F-18s are patrolling the sky. What do F-18s have to do with anything? How does an F-18 contain a virus? Let's just forget he mentioned that. Palmer doesn't want people to start leaving L.A. and ignite a panic, and insists the right thing to do is keep it under their hats until they're sure the virus is contained. Brother Palmer scurries off to try and keep Poor Man's Scott McClellan from getting noogied to death.

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