Day 3: 11:00 PM – 12:00 AM

Episode Report Card
Gustave: C+ | Grade It Now!
Brother, Brother

But anyway, Spawn is all, "Nina Myers is the broker?" Then Adam is all, "Did you read the ops brief?" Spawn is all, "No." Which is hysterical because of course Spawn didn't read the ops brief. She can't even read! On the other hand, I have to ask, who the hell had time to even write the ops brief, let alone for anyone in that office to sit down and read it? I mean, it takes me the whole week to write a report about a television show. Thank God, I'm not the guy who writes the CTU ops briefs. Not to mention, hello?! If Spawn can't handle knowing what's going on with Kiefer down in Mexico, why did they give her a job in the same office where her mother was killed? Maybe they should spell out Nina's name around Spawn. Bitchelle "N-I-N-A escaped and she's headed for Equador!" Spawn: "Who is 'Nanny'? Should I be asking our Delta teams to look out for Fran Drescher?"

Soul Patch has Bitchelle finish the briefing and asks Spawn to speak to him alone outside. "I was looking for the right time to tell you," says Soul Patch. Whatever. Spawn is all, "I cannot believe Nina Myers is involved in this!," sounding more pissy than outraged. Like Nina blew the football team and now Spawn has to share the title of head cheerleader with her. Soul Patch explains that Kiefer needed Nina's help to secure the V-I-R-U-S. "She killed my mother," says Spawn. "My father couldn't even pretend to work with her!"

Then we cut to this shot of Kiefer "pretending to work" with Nina. If, by "pretending to work" you mean, "working her tonsils." And since the "time" is 11:07 PM, it seems that Kiefer and Nina have been making out for over seven minutes. Now, that's a long time to make out with someone. I mean, it might not seem like a long time, but once you get to a certain age, you just don't kiss all that much. Because you either get embarrassed that you're out in public and you don't want to be "that guy" so you pull back, or you're in private and you just proceed to the next level, i.e. sex. I mean, Kiefer is handcuffed and Nina killed his wife. It's not like he's going to be all, "Wow, this girl tastes like vanilla and wine coolers! I hope we can go to second soon!" Nina pulls away. "I'm sorry, [Kiefer]," she says. "I wanted to think you've changed, but...I can feel it." Okay, so Nina can tell by Kiefer's kiss that he's still with CTU. Did Joel Surnow's thirteen-year-old daughter write the script this week? The only two things I can tell from someone's "kiss" is (a) whether he's a good kisser, and (b) what his last meal was. Kiefer protests, but Nina is unmoved. Finally, he head-butts her, breaks the chair he's chained to, and comes at her with a remnant of said chair. "You can believe whatever you want," says Kiefer, breathless and velvety and strangling Nina with the chair. "But I need this deal to happen. I'm a fugitive. I don't have a choice!" He pulls away. Nina gasps for air and massages her neck. Kiefer promises to honor their original deal and still give her the $20 million fee, but he needs her cooperation.

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