24
Day 3: 6:00 PM – 7:00 PM

Episode Report Card
Heathen: B- | Grade It Now!
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Escape From L.A.

So, I was discussing this show with a friend of mine, and his take is that he had to stop watching 24 because the title reminded him too much of exactly how many hours of his life he was giving up so that he could watch it. All I could counter with was, "Kiefer Sutherland lights my pants on fire." Checkmate.

24. Blip blip blip boom. In the last hour of Incredibly Stressful Shenanigans, Day III: This Time, It's Way More Personal Than It Was The Last Two Times, the debate between President Palmer and Ruby Keeler began; the latter whipped out the accusation that Dr. Anne had faked drug-test results in a clinical trial. Keeler wonders if Palmer knew this and has been covering up the whole thing. Bitchelle tells Spawn that Kiefer broke Felipe Hartmano out of prison, and Spawn has to admit that she's the brainless assnut who issued the transfer order that started it. Bitchelle figures that if they can find Kontagious Kyle, Kief will kough up Hartmano. Meanwhile, the aforementioned V-I-R-U-S Singcubator decided to hang himself, but because everything he tries to do for the greater good ends up muddled and wrong, his girlfriend saves him. Then CTU rescues them. PoorMan'sJennieGarth is highly agitated and lamenting that being PMJG means she lacks the money to get decent highlights. In a standoff with the cops and Special Agent Charlie Brown, Kiefer insisted that they let him escape with Hartmano, or else there will be a lot of fucked people out there. Charlie relents, Kiefer hijacks a helicopter, and they float away. Hartmano chortles for our edification that Kiefer is now a bigger enemy to his kountry than Hartmano himself is. Wow, that was long. I thought this show was in real time. Unless I'm living in a vacuum and I don't realize that real people stop every hour and recap for themselves what happened in the previous sixty minutes, and what it might mean, and when during the next hour their five bathroom breaks might be.

The following takes place between 6:00 PM and 7:00 PM...during the summer sometime, because it's still really light outside. Up in the KieferKopter, our hero is furrowing his brow as Hartmano asks if they have enough fuel to get to Mexico. Kiefer says they're not going to Mexico, because that's just where they'd expect them to go, so they'd just get kaptured. Hartmano doesn't know what to think. "Trust me," Kiefer says. Hartmano's like, well, I've got no other fucking options.

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24

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