Shout-out to 2chacha for this episode title.
Previouslies. Brother Palmer needles Palmer about being involved with another Sherry. Dr Anne's ex-husband calls Dr. Anne and offers her documents that prove her innocence. Special Agent Charlie Brown calls Spawn to tell her that he's found Kiefer's whereabouts -- a small town in Northern Mexico called Las Nieves. SalazAir lands at Rancho Narcotico, and it's revealed that Kiefer is in cahoots with Hector -- that's why Hartmano wasn't allowed to kill him aboard de plane. Soul Patch signs himself out of the hospital and arrives back at CTU just in time to stop the torture of Gael and reveal their master plan. Bobby Ewing steps out of the shower and reveals that his death was all a dream of Pam's. Roseanne and Jackie win the lottery.
CTU. Everyone is filing into the conference room to hear the latest bit of news. Chappelle is following Soul Patch into the conference room and giving him a hard time. Okay, so why is it that we're supposed to bite our nails whenever Chappelle appears onscreen, like he's like your parents who have gotten home from a trip to Florida and you just better make damn sure that you've cleaned up after that crazy party you had the night before? Because, when you really think about it, Chappelle, who is supposed to be their boss, hasn't done squat to anyone at CTU despite the fact that no one in this insane office has followed any of his orders. Ever. He may as well be a substitute teacher. He's Colonel Klink on Hogan's Heroes. They shot him with a tranquilizer dart last year and he relieved Bitchelle and Soul Patch of his duties for, what, an hour? He's never punished Kiefer, even though he's Kiefer's superior and Kiefer has done his renegade agent routine twice now (and I'm not even including what's happened recently). So you gotta wonder why Soul Patch is even bothering to explain the details of the secret sting operation when they could simply lock him in a closet for the next sixteen hours to get him out of their hair and suffer absolutely no consequences. Nevertheless, Chappelle wants to know what kind of "game" they're all playing, and Soul Patch explains -- really more for the benefit of any viewers who weren't paying attention last week -- that he, Kiefer, and Crystal Gael have been planning this secret sting operation for a month now. "I'm your boss, you should have told me first," says Chappelle, with all the authority of a country club lifeguard telling a trustee's son to stop running by the pool. Soul Patch explains that all will be revealed once he explains everything to the president. "After that if you feel I've acted inappropriately," says Soul Patch, "you can do what you gotta do." "I will," says Chappelle. Whatever. Potato Face hands Soul Patch the phone. "The President's coming on the line," she says. It's her only dialogue this episode.
Over at Division, where I assume the President is still situated, Palmer informs Soul Patch that his Chief of Staff, Brother Palmer, is also in the room. He demands an explanation from Soul Patch as to what is going on. "Kiefer wanted to fill you in himself," says Soul Patch. "Kiefer is a fugitive from the law," says Palmer sternly. "There's a video file you should see," says Soul Patch, directing the President to a video message uploaded to one of the President's servers which Kiefer made previously to explain the sting operation to the president, and by extension, the audience. And needless to say, the video message uploads flawlessly without a hitch, which totally always happens. According to a freshly scrubbed, videotaped Kiefer, the Salazars don't have the Cordilla Virus. Oh? Then how did that first drug dealer die? And what's up with all of those dead bodies that Juan Voight had to bury during Episode One? "The idea that they are is part of a lie which I promoted in order to achieve a more important goal," says Kiefer. Apparently a dangerous group of Ukrainian scientists are in possession of a weaponized virus, which, apparently, is the most lethal virus ever made. Kiefer was only able to get their interest by mentioning the Salazars, who apparently are known for having cash and credibility. Kiefer was only promoting the Salazars' ownership of the Cordilla Virus in order to weed out the Ukrainians who are trying to sell the virus on the open market, and then seize the virus while the sale was taking place. He offered the Salazars up as buyers and then convinced the Salazars that he had switched sides by breaking Hartmano out of prison. "Mr. President, I'm sorry for deceiving you, but I assure you it was a benign deception," says Kiefer, explaining that they kept this a secret from everyone in order to protect the President from exposure should anything go wrong. He subsequently asks for military back-up to take possession of the virus and keep it from their enemies.