Day 4: 8:00 AM – 9:00 AM

Episode Report Card
M. Giant: C+ | Grade It Now!
Suddenly, Napster Doesn't Seem So Bad

8:46:54. Team Kiefer has arrived at the train station, where they're greeted by a guy from the Metro Transit Authority. He offers to shut down the track where Witless is waiting, but Kiefer 2.0 doesn't want to attract attention. Meanwhile, Witless takes a cell phone call from Potato Face, who just tells him to sit tight. When he hangs up, the Clean-Cut Minion is standing in front of him, greeting him by name and claiming to be Kiefer. In a nice touch, the guy's voice sounds like one that could be mistaken for Kiefer's if one had only ever heard Kiefer over a cell phone. A nation swoons at the tragedy that would represent. Witless goes above-ground with the Velveteen-Voiced One. Team Kiefer arrives at the rendezvous point just seconds too late. Kiefer whips out his cell phone and dials. Witless's cell phone rings, and when the real Kiefer identifies himself, Witless's face tells the Velveteen-Voiced One that this particular jig is up. "Let's go," he grates, taking away Witless's phone and sticking a gun in his ribs. Kiefer realizes that the bad guys got to Witless before he did, even though he can't figure out how. Kiefer starts barking orders to the MTA guy, telling him to have his people be on the lookout for a stupid-looking hacker being taken away against his will. "Now," Kiefer finishes. When? At 8:49:05, that's when.

8:53:20. Driscoll continues to give nothing away because there's nothing to give away, Potato Face works the phone, DoDder peers through the wires of her cage, and DiCK frets on an interrogation monitor. At the train station, the Velveteen-Voiced One is dragging Witless to a dark blue Lexus. A guard station attendant named Marx (as in Marxed For Death) spots them and walkie-talkies the MTA guy to let him and the Kiefers know. The Kiefers are on their way to intercept. Outside, V-VO is piling Witless into his car, taking car to bind his wrists and duct-tape his mouth before telling him to lie down in the back seat. Marx marks all of this. It's 8:54:37 as the V-VO-mobile winds its way through the parking lot to the guard station, considerably slowed down by road construction. In the parking lot. Understandably frustrating, and believable since the roads around our international airport are scheduled to be under construction for the next fifty years or so, and have been since the '60s. The 1860s. ["I just assumed they shot this at JFK. Bite me, long-term parking." -- Sars]

This gives the Kiefers time to get outside and spot the V-VO-mobile. Kiefer 2.0 tells Kiefer to cover the exit gate while he gets the car. Kiefer's on it, but then he has second thoughts; he wants to let the Velveteen-Voiced One escape and hope that he leads them to DaD. Kiefer 2.0 refuses, on the grounds that it'll probably get Witless killed. But Kiefer is insistent, as Kiefer so often is. Kiefer 2.0 gets out his cell phone to call for authorization, but Kiefer grabs his wrist to stop him. Kiefer 2.0 looks at him all, "Oh, no you di'in't. "I can't take the risk of Driscoll resisting me," Kiefer explains. Kiefer 2.0 grabs Kiefer's coat. Their eyes lock as a nation waits for them to begin making out. But Kiefer's next move is not a romantic one; he and his successor trade blows, and in a surprisingly realistic turn of events, the current Kiefer brings the old one down. Kiefer writhes on the ground as Kiefer 2.0 holds him at gunpoint, reminding him that he warned Kiefer not to go against him. Kiefer 2.0 cuffs Kiefer to a handy railing as a gate guard asks him over the walkie-talkie what he should do about the Velveteen-Voiced One approaching the gate. Kiefer 2.0 responds that the guard should "lock in the hostile." Said hostile has by now noticed Kiefer 2.0 darting around in his blind spot, and when Kiefer 2.0 makes his move, the Velveteen-Voiced One fells him with two shots. Kiefer watches in shock. V-VO then shoots the gate agent, and he's out in the open. Kiefer asks Kiefer 2.0 where he's been hit, then if he can move, then for the keys to the cuffs. Kiefer 2.0's nonverbal responses are, in order: somewhere bad, just barely, and, with his last erg of life, here you go. Kiefer unlocks himself, pauses to make sure Kiefer 2.0 is dead (by checking his pulse, not by shooting him again, in case that wasn't clear), and hares off in pursuit of the Velveteen-Voiced One. Yes, it only took until 8:57:55 to get Kiefer back behind the wheel of his own Sport Utility Kiefmobile.

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