24
The Girl Next Door

Episode Report Card
M. Giant: C- | Grade It Now!
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It's a Little Funny

How's about a montage? Matt heads back to the prom proper and dances with Spawn while the film crew noisily hares through the halls, complete with a screaming director and two porn stars in their underwear. That won't attract attention. Jock #2 begs his way in. At the dance, the suspicious teacher approaches Matt with the release form he found on the hallway. Matt plays dumb quite convincingly. The teacher heads out to patrol the halls, and Matt looks nervous. Maybe he should get a message to Eli to tone down the screaming. In the school library, Jock #2 sits in a robe and stares at Ferrari and April as they limber up. Eli comes up to him: "You're strong, and firm, but you have a secret. Show that to me." Jock #2 looks at him blankly, then at the costume guy who unreels a pair of condom rolls and smiles at Jock #2. There's a man who enjoys his job. Back at the dance, Spawn thanks Matt. When he asks why, she says, "I never went to prom." Well, how'd you get here, then? Oh, she means before. She kisses his hand and they have a moment, which is interrupted by a worried AV minion.

Matt arrives at the library to discover that Jock #2 didn't work out. April is lying on a table looking bored and holding an empty condom, just in case we don't get what "He wasn't strong or firm" means. You mean to tell me that in the whole AV club, there's not one person who would volunteer to be the fluffer? Compounding the problem is the fact that no one else wants to be the guy in this key scene, without which Hugo won't buy the movie. Eli and Klitz start arguing about which of them is going to do it while Matt steps back, thinks about it, and announces he'll do it himself.

When we next see him, he's in that same robe, kicking off his boxers. He heads out to join the cast and crew, and takes his place next to April. Robe's off, and he lies down on his back. April bites open a condom wrapper and leans forward, and Eli calls "Action." Which is when the library door opens to reveal the math teacher. "What the hell is going on in here?" he demands. "Who is in charge of this?" No one else says a word. Everyone looks at Matt. What will he say? What will he do?

Nothing, because the movie's just fucking with you again. Matt's still in the dressing room in his robe. He tells his reflection, "Fuck it." As he's reaching for the door handle, he notices something on his hand: a lip print. Wow, Spawn was wearing a lot of lipstick. That hand looks like it belonged to Señor Wences. Matt looks at it and flashes back to a few scenes of Spawn looking pretty. He writhes on the horns of his ethical dilemma, waiting in vain for his hand to tell him, "S'all right."

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