The Girl Next Door

Episode Report Card
M. Giant: C- | Grade It Now!
It's a Little Funny

Anyway, now we know what Eli and Klitz were doing with the porn stars all night, because this video, which was just shot the previous evening, has already been edited into a finished piece. I see what Eli meant by making this his calling card. If he was able to edit, score, and do post-production and titles on this thing overnight, he's not just a genius. He's a fucking time-traveler.

Shots of copies of the yearbook getting delivered to the school. Oh, can we have another montage, please? Thank you! Students remember things. Pages flip. Matthew voices over what he will always remember: "The three legs of the tripod." The Fucking Tripod celebrate in their graduation gowns.

Hugo Posh gets interviewed on a talk show about his part in the hottest-selling sex education video ever made, flanked by April and Ferrari. Matt's voice-over: "My business partner."

Guido 2.0 watches Hugo's interview, saying, "What an ass-bag." He unwraps a box of cigars, inside which is a note reading, "The juice was worth the squeeze." "Fuckin' kid," Guido 2.0 marvels. Matt's VO: "My student advisor." Guido claps his hands on a set, saying, "All right, people, let's make some fucky-fucky." I'll miss him most of all.

Back on the talk show, the host asks who Hugo's silent partner is, as if anyone ever cares. Hugo says his partner prefers to remain anonymous. Which is why he's driving a brand-new BMW Z4. Matthew meets Samnang at the airport amid much celebration and tells him, smiling, "You better cure cancer, kid." And then, in voice-over: "The next Einstein."

Eli takes questions from the audience at a film seminar. VO: "Eli's calling card." An audience member stand up and asks condescendingly, "Mr. Brooks, why did you decide to skip film school? Don't you think you're a little young?" Eli: "Shut the fuck up! Next question. Faster!" Hee.

A batch of students, including Klitz, gather in the student lounge to watch said calling card. On the screen, April announces she'll be showing how to put a condom on the real thing. The VO: "Klitz's big debut." Klitz appears on screen in robe and fencing mask. Because if a fencing mask goes off in the first act, it has to go back on in the third. Klitz drops the robe. Going by the crowd's reaction, Klitz is a Fucking Tripod all on his own. Klitz smiles to himself.

Matthew drives his Z4 through the gates of Georgetown. VO: "My own scholarship to Georgetown." He mingles among the students. "And of course, I'll never forget the girl next door." A delivery truck passes by, and there's Spawn, wearing a knit beret and leaning against her car the way she does. "As for me," the voice-over finishes, "I'm just going with it." He goes up to her and they kiss. And that's it. I think if this movie didn't repeat any lines, steal from other movies, or fuck with us, it would be about a minute and a half long. Maybe a minute flat without all the slow motion.

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