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The Girl Next Door

Episode Report Card
M. Giant: C- | Grade It Now!
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It's a Little Funny

Later, Matthew is taking out the garbage while practicing his speech, the cornerstone of which appears to be JFK's "ask not what your country can do for you" quote. As if we didn't already know he was fucked. That's when he spots someone unloading stuff from the mysterious VW convertible. It's Spawn, of course, playing the titular girl next door and looking very titular indeed in her clingy, asymmetrical red top. She's busy doing the hardest thing she's going to be called upon to do in the next ninety minutes, i.e. looking hot and walking in slow motion. As she makes eye contact with Matthew, we suddenly realize that the connection between these two is in fact undeniable; they look like siblings. He stares at her until he crashes into the trash cans and she looks back at him, a glimmer of something in her eyes. Allergies, maybe?

Then Matthew's up in his bedroom, on the phone with Eli about the religious experience he just had. Without taking his eyes off the porn tape he's been watching (it's important that Eli watches a lot of porn, for reasons that will be obvious later if they're not already), Eli demands, "So, did you bang her?" Matthew says, "Yeah, I banged her." Eli snaps, "That's what a man does, okay?" Still on the phone, Matthew turns around, looks out his window, and has another Spawn sighting, this time in her bedroom across the way. She stretches and looks bendy, Matthew rhapsodizes into the phone, and Eli pushes him to "be a man and go over there." But then he'd miss the show, Eli. Matthew realizes what Eli's watching, and is appropriately squicked out. Fortunately, he gets a well-timed distraction as the Tangerine Dream music fades back up. Spawn is now removing her shirt, then her bra. I'll save you a rental fee; her back's to the camera. Matthew hangs up and watches as she takes about an hour to slither out of her pants, revealing a red thong and what I am almost certain is a stunt ass. Suddenly she looks over her shoulder. Matthew gasps and drops out of sight to the floor, busted. I suspect entrapment. Nobody takes that much time to undress when they think no one's watching. But Matthew doesn't appear to see it that way. Serves him right for not turning off his own bedroom light so he could peep with impunity. He peeks over his windowsill and thinks he's gotten away with it when he sees her darkened, empty bedroom, but the moment quickly passes as he hears her door slam and she marches down the sidewalk to his house. Sadly, she's not wearing just the thong any more. The doorbell rings and he ducks down again as if it's the sound of enemy fire. He hears his parents answer the door, then their indistinct voices, and his father angrily hollers, "Matthew, come down here." The movie's fucking with you again, in case you're wondering. Spawn is standing in the entryway with Matthew's parents as a heavy vibe pours off all three of them. Is that vibe one of danger, or one of bullshit? Do you need to ask? The MattRents introduce Spawn as "Danielle," who's house-sitting for her aunt, the absent next-door neighbor lady. MattMom suggests Matthew show Spawn around. Spawn arches her already-arched eyebrows at him. Archly.

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