The Girl Next Door

Episode Report Card
M. Giant: C- | Grade It Now!
It's a Little Funny

Spawn follows Matthew into his bedroom, asking if he's okay. He says he's not feeling so well. She gently takes his hands and asks what she can do to make him feel better. Thanks for cueing the wakka-chicka again, Spawn. Matthew envisions her on top of an invisible partner on his bed, seen from the shoulders up, because this kid's imagination sucks. Also, I get it. I am grown heavy with getting it. Matthew snaps out of it and says he's feeling a lot better, and they confirm their plans to go out tonight.

After dark, Spawn and Matthew tool along in his Taurus station wagon while he flashes back to an earlier conversation with Eli, in which the latter takes a scene off from being Miles in Risky Business in order to be Mike Damone from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Eli told him, "Tonight, be the man." Oh, great. "First off, act like you don't even like her." We see him do so, to her confusion. Great plan, abandoning what's worked up till now. Eli's second tip: "Get her drunk." Matthew produces a bottle of bourbon. Spawn's all, "You trying to get me drunk?" At least she's sharper here than she is on 24. Matthew's like, "Naw…I thought you liked to rock." Spawn reacts to this with appropriate disbelief. Eli's last dictum: "Always be touching her. That tells her that you came here to get down tonight." Matthew pulls the car over and gropes her head. If she's trying to suppress a laugh at what a loser he's being, she's not trying very hard. She asks him, "What are we doing?" As if he's just noticed, he points out a cheap motel close to where he's parked. "Maybe we should get a room," he ventures. Smoother and smoother, man. She's not laughing any more. "Okay," she says flatly.

He lets them into a motel room, babbling nervously while she goes right to the bed and takes off her jacket. They exchange "What are you thinking"s while he closes the zipper on his jacket instead of the proverbial deal. She takes off her top -- again with the bra underneath -- and asks matter-of-factly, "Do you want to fuck me?" She launches into what might pass for a seductive routine in a PG-13 movie. Which is even sadder because not only was this R in the theaters, I'm watching the unrated, "too hot for theaters" cut on DVD. Theaters must have a low heat tolerance these days. Matthew, not expecting his bluff to get called so brazenly, asks why she's doing this. "Isn't this what you wanted?" she asks. "To fuck a porn star in a cheap motel room?" Oops, busted. Again. Matthew looks miserable. Spawn says, "So this is what you think of me."

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