That night, Lemon walks into her slapped-together VIP party. Jack tells an unimpressed Bon Jovi what his (marginal) role for the evening will be. Elsewhere, Cerie walks in to hand Lemon the liability waiver and manages to insult Lemon's cool-VIP-room-putting-together skills. Lemon brushes her off. She starts to sign the waiver, but Bon Jovi stops her. After all, that's how he got stuck with this Artist in Residence bunk. He starts to read over the contract, which only makes Lemon defensive as the whole Valentine's Day debate starts up again. The contract details every possible contingency, including her getting eaten by her cats. She refuses to sign it on the moral grounds that there is nothing wrong with being alone. She says she'll just invent a boyfriend, then make a run for it when he doesn't show. Bon Jovi says that plan is lamer than Tracy's "Tyke Mison" (Mike Tyson as a baby, get it?) skit. Having now been insulted twice in the span of a minute (she wrote "Tyke Mison"), Lemon abruptly leaves the conversation. Bon Jovi walks over to Jack to fulfill his contractual duty by introducing himself to Avery. Jack blows him off like a big shot. Avery congratulates him for stepping up his game. They make their way out of the fake party for some carousal.
Valentine's Day. Lemon enters her doctor's office and boldly tells the receptionist that she didn't sign the release because her boyfriend, astronaut Mike Dexter, will pick her up... on a motorcycle. The receptionist skeptically arches her elegant Sharpie eyebrows and tells her to take a seat.
Elsewhere, Sarah McLachlan's "I Will Remember You" plays as Jenna raises her hand delicately to the window of the Fried Chicken Palace and watches Maynard, feeling nostalgic about all the good times. Ahhh, that time when he snuck into her apartment and took pictures of himself lying in bed next to her sleeping. Ohhhh, the morning when he filled her refrigerator with baby doll heads. Siiiiiigh, the night he ran up to her on the street and jacked a lock of her hair. And what about the time he pretended to be a cleaning lady and ambushed her in the elevator at 30 Rock? As Jenna watches through the window like Stella Dallas, she feels a phantom hand caress her hair. She turns around hoping to see Maynard. Instead, there's no one there. She mopes off like Charlie Brown.
Back at Lemon's office, her surgery is over, and she is loop-loop-loopy as she tries to assure the nurse that the "Anastasia" is having no effect on her. They reach the lobby, and she finds all her exes (Jon Hamm's character whose name I can't remember because I'm mentally paralyzed by Jon Hamm's beauty, Dennis, and Floyd my favorite). She is touched they all came back so she wouldn't be alone on Valentine's Day and goes down the line telling each one what fond remembrances she has of him. She assures them through bloody-crusted teeth that she does want love and will find it one day, for she is a sailor on the sea of the human heart. As you could have easily guessed, all of this (down to Dennis's beeper-clad acid wash denim jacket) is a massive drug trip. She's actually clutching the collars of the three Jamaican receptionists, who are none too pleased to have a Lonely Girl on their hands on Valentine's Day. They have dates tonight, after all. As they try to arrange a ride for Lemon, she hallucinates that a ficus is Bon Jovi and saunters her way over to him.
Over at Jack's apartment, Avery gives Jack the morning-after speech, saying she doesn't think a man like him is exactly the marrying type. He tries to dissuade her, but she's convinced he's a one-shot deal. He tries to tell her that she's piqued his interest more than he expected, then his phone buzzes. It's the doctor's office asking him to pick up Lemon. Avery thinks it's just another subterfuge, so Jack invites her along on the car ride to prove he's not lying this time.
Over at 30 Rock, Jenna walks into her dressing room to find an altar of her picture emblazoned with the words "I WANT TO EAT YOUR BOOGERS." In case you didn't already get that this was Kenneth's handiwork, his terrible acting gives it away when she asks him who did it. Luckily, Jenna knows a bad actor when she sees one (except, you know, in the mirror), so she immediately catches on. She thanks Kenneth. He acts coy for a second, then wishes her a happy Valentine's Day. They embrace, giving him an opening to cut off a strand of her hair. She squeals with delight.
Uptown a bit, Jack and Avery escort a hyper-giggling Lemon into her apartment. Jack steps aside to prepare the bedroom, leaving Avery to ask Lemon about Jack. Lemon slurs that he's the best, she doesn't know what she'd do without him. Avery agrees, but then Lemon gets distracted by "Bon Jovi" over in the corner. Yep. Another ficus. Jack runs in to save "Bon Jovi" from Lemon's sexual advances, and that lovable junkie is passed out like a light before he can even get her into her room.
Bonus: The Exes, now in nurse scrubs and full Jamaican accents, shoot the bull about their good-for-nothing Valentines. Hulu it.
And nah for di jokes, mon...
Lemon: Cubist Spinster
Jack: What are your plans for Valentine's Day, Lemon?
Lemon: I am taking myself out of the equation entirely. I scheduled a root canal for February 14th, Jack. I will spend half the day in twilight sleep, then I will go home and watch the Lifetime original movie My Stepson Is My Cyber Husband.
Jack: Wow, that is inspired. You are truly the Picasso of loneliness.
Lemon: Or I am that painting elephant of being awesome.