Inheritance Tact
Jack: I just received a call from Don Geiss's estate lawyer. Apparently I've been named in his will.
Lemon: I know this is a difficult time for you, but word of advice -- if the will says you have to spend the night at a haunted house, you better hope that everybody else there is black guys and sluts.
Jack: I just want something to remember the man by -- his pen or his tie clip... maybe that boyhood sled he held so dear. I believe he called it... "Sleddy." Something that I can then pass on to my protegé.
Lemon: Any chance it's one of those bendy hospital beds?
Jack: Maybe! He did have three.
Lemon: He was such an amazing man!

Death at the Nuptial
Lemon: Another wedding?
Pete: Life is like TV. Testing tells us that people like weddings, births, and episodes where a character dies.
Lemon: Dumb.
Guy in Background: My heart! [Crashes to ground.]

Tracy's Momma Jokes
Tracy: I thought Grizz might want to take this time to announce who's gonna be his best man.
Grizz: Ummm, I haven't decided yet.
Tracy [mockingly]: "Ummm, I haven't decided yet." You sound like my mother talking to the Planned Parenthood lady! Seriously, which one of your rich and famous friends with Hepatitis B are you going to pick?
Grizz: Let's not do this in front of everybody.
Tracy [double mocking]: Let's not do this in front of everybody? You sound like my mother being pulled on-stage at a 2 Live Crew concert! Damn, my mother had problems.

Geiss Cubes
Lemon: What a weird gift.
Jack: Not at all. When Don was first taking me under his wing, he and I would sit on the veranda of his home in Connecticut, talking about business, politics, how to avoid getting paper cuts while making love on a pile of money... and our friend Argus would strut proudly through the garden. We three peacocks felt like we owned the world.

Dream Bally
Lemon: Paul is getting weirder. We have got to step it up.
Pete: You know what we should do? We should follow him! I don't care how long it takes.
Lemon: What's going on? Your kids have a play tonight?
Pete [dejectedly]: Oklahoma. They couldn't find cowboy hats big enough for my kids' heads, so they're just wearing turbans.
Lemon: It's on. When Paul leaves, we follow him CIA-style. And afterwards I go to the gym. [Everyone within earshot laughs heartily.] Words are the first step on the road to deeds!